This is Hard!

I always thought I was born to be a mother. I never worried too much about a career, because I was going to be a mom. And a great mom at that! I was going to be patient and loving and awesome! Its amazing that just a couple of hard days can make you second guess your abilities like crazy... and that has been really challenging for me. How could I be so sure I'd be good at something, and then feel like maybe I'm not?

The boy doesn't sleep.

Recently, his naps during the day have become few and far between. He's exhausted and cranky, but JUST. WON'T. SLEEP. Yesterday his naps totaled an hour and a half. I never knew little babies could even go that long without sleep, but apparently they can. And when its my day's mission to get him to sleep (so that I can sleep or get things done), its annoying that he won't. Please don't judge me, but I actually yelled at my 2 month old. Yeah, I yelled at him to PLEASE STOP CRYING! YOU'RE BEING SUCH A JERK! As if he can help it or even understand my frustration.

He's not always unhappy. For large portions of the day, he smiles and coos and its the sweetest thing. But when he's crying and uncomfortable, it's really hard. I can't put him down even to use the bathroom without him breaking into a fit. He hates the carseat, stroller, swing, sling. He just wants to be held.

My husband pointed out that the main source of my frustration is probably sleep deprivation. 2-3 hours of sleep at a time, plus no naps makes a cranky lady. And I'm positive that he's right. But sleep or no sleep, I keep worrying that I'm missing the enjoyable parts of this experience. It's supposed to be fun, right? And all I can think is how hard it is. And it makes me feel guilty.

Everyone keeps telling me it will get easier. And I know it will. Things in Mommy-land change quickly. I'm sure by the time I'm done typing this, things will already be getting better. A couple days of drama is such a small thing in the grand scheme of things. But in the heat of the moment, I need to remember that. I need to remember that long period of time when we couldn't get pregnant and how BADLY my heart ached for this. I need to remember the time that he physically couldn't cry, because he had tubes down his throat. I need to remember when I couldn't hold him because he was hooked up to all sorts of machines. And I need to remember to just be grateful that he's home and he's healthy, regardless of how much he cries.

I need to remember to quit being such a baby myself. Sigh.

Visitors

We had a really nice weekend. My mom and step-dad came from Southern Utah for a visit. It was the first time the little guy got to meet his Grandpa Ron and it was great. Lots of smiles and kisses going around.

I had a wedding to shoot on Saturday and it was my first time being away from the baby for that long. My mom and Sis-In-Law baby-sat as a team and from what I hear, he was a perfect angel (of course!) It was hard being away from him though. Before I left, I had to kiss him about 20 times and I missed him the most about halfway through the day. When I got home, it was back to the same old routine of feeding, pumping and changing diapers and I wondered why I was in such a rush to get home. But when he gave me his goofy little smiles and sweet little face, I quickly remembered.

On Sunday night, we got both sides of the family together for dinner at BJ's and that was a lot of fun. My Father-In-Law always has stories to tell and he wants to tell them to anyone who will listen, so he was happy to have a new set of ears and share his tales. Plus, there were Pizzookies. Can't complain there.

My family left this morning (after watching the baby again so I could make a quick trip to Target) and I was sad to see them go. The visits always go by so quickly. But I'm so grateful they made the effort to come all the way out here and are getting to know Stevie. Having good people in his life will only make him a better little person.

Birth Story

I never did get to share my birth story, since so much happened in the few weeks after Stevie was born. Luckily mine is short and sweet...

On December 20th, in the middle of the night, I started having labor pains. They lasted about 4 hours and then at 6am, they would suddenly just stop. That happened the next 2 nights also. I kept thinking "Oh here we go!" as my contractions were a steady 10 minutes apart. But 6am on the dot, I would realize it wasn't happening and crawl back into bed.

December 23rd went a little differently. The usual labor pains woke me up at about 1:15am, but it was also accompanied by my water breaking! I was not expecting that! I had a feeling it wouldn't be like the movies and they'd have to break my water in the hospital. But luckily it happened at home and not out in public. Right off the bat, I wasn't feeling any contractions or anything, so I knew I had a little time. I decided to take a quick shower and get something to eat to prepare for the long road ahead. I woke up my husband shortly after and had him finish packing the hospital bag. By the time we were packed and heading out the door it was about 1:45am - and my contractions were like 3 minutes apart!

Holy crap. This was definitely happening.

Soon.

Luckily, the hospital is close by, and by the time I checked in and got to my room, around 2:15am, the contractions were 2 minutes apart and shortly after were a minute apart. Sometimes they were right on top of each other and I wouldn't get a break in between.

Now I should tell you, I had every intention of giving birth naturally. Some would say its crazy and others would say its amazing to go without the drugs. But honestly, once the process started, I was really overwhelmed. I got scared of the pain and not knowing how much more it would hurt. I totally chickened out. They gave me the epidural at like 5am. It never took full effect because of how fast my labor was progressing, but it took the edge off.

At 6am I started pushing and little Stevie arrived at 6:44.

What! My whole labor from start to finish was only 5 and 1/2 hours?! Yeah I know. Kind of awesome. Like I said, short and sweet. The nurses and everyone, including me, were just shocked.

Hey, that's how we roll.

YAY!

Just wanted to update real quick that we got some awesome news today. Stephen does not need the second procedure done to re-wire his sternum!

Not for now anyway.

We took him in for his pre-op appointment and before they got all his blood drawn and consent forms signed, I mentioned that I hadn't heard that same popping sound coming from his chest in about a week. The nurse practitioner double checked and also didn't hear anything. So she had me wait around for the surgeon and when he checked, he didn't hear or feel anything abnormal either.

We have to keep an eye on it, but somehow the problem seems to have corrected itself. Don't know why or how, but don't really care either. Just glad they don't have to cut Stevie open again so soon!

Now we have about 6-8 months to prepare for his next big surgery. This is the one where they will actually go in and repair the two problems with his heart - the hole between the left & right side and the new pulmonary valve. Once that is done, he'll be good as new (until he's around 8-10 years old when he will need replacement parts to go along with his growing body). For now, we'll just keep him healthy and growing - up to 8 lbs, 11 oz now!

OK, I need a nap!

B-day Post

This was never meant to be JUST a baby blog. I know its starting to look that way, as I don't have much else going on in my life other than baby worries. But I did recently have a birthday. Yup, I'm 32. I remember when my Dad turned 32. That's weird because I thought he was so old! And now here I am... But he had a good trick - he used to tell everyone he was "Almost 30." Then he would snicker because they didn't know he was counting backwards. Might try that one.

On Saturday night, I got to celebrate with my pals. We had pizza and cake and ice cream. We just tried to catch up on things, since it has been awhile. The baby always turns into the center of attention, which I don't mind, but I'm sure gets annoying to others once in awhile. For me, it was just nice to get out and spend some time with everyone.

On Sunday, my awesome husband took care of the baby ALL DAY so that I could sleep in, get my nails done, and do some shopping. It was nice to have a break, although I regret not sleeping more! And I will say after being away from home for almost 4 hours, I was anxious to get back. Nothing has ever pulled me away from a GAP sale before, but knowing the bitty and the huz were at home, I really wanted to hang out with them!

So far, 32 is just fine. It kind of sneaked up on me since January was such a whirlwind, but I'm OK with it.