She Deserved It...?

I have never considered myself a work-a-holic, but I have figured out that a lot of my self-worth came from working really hard, being good at my various jobs, making money, and rewarding myself with stuff. Now, that isn't the case any longer and I am relying 100% financially on my husband. It is really weird and hard for me. I always saw myself as a stay at home Mom, but never a stay at home Housewife. Dream big, right! When I was working my tooshie off at my various jobs, all I could do was imagine the day when I got to stay home, but now that its happened, its freaking me out a little bit.

For the first few months that I was home, the personal business was going really well so I hardly had an opportunity think - I was just keeping my head above water trying to get everything done. Now that things have slowed down, I have to find other ways to occupy my time. (Hence, my three blogs). Anyone who knows me will say "Well this is when she goes shopping!" And I want to. Pretty much every day. But with no income of my own, I feel weird spending my husband's hard earned dough on silly sweaters and shoes. I've been getting by the last couple of months because I was pulling money from my savings account. Money that I had put in there originally, so I figured it was there for me to use. However, I didn't know that whatever I had been pulling out, my husband had been putting back in from his own checking account. Sneaky!

He keeps saying that we just need to get a joined account and share the finances, but I haven't been able to bring myself to do that yet. I can't figure out why, since its always been my anti-feminist dream to have a man take care of me. But I always told him that I wanted my own checking account with some of my own money to buy the things I want without having to justify my purchases. Its not that he ever asks or says anything negative about what I'm buying. Sometimes he laughs when I bring home another jacket, but he's usually very understanding. So he's never given me a reason to NOT want to share the finances.

I suppose the bottom line is that I figured once I was home with OUR children, it would be different and he could take care of all of us as a family unit. But taking care of just me - the same me that spends most of the day sitting on the computer, hanging out with the cat and occassionally doing laundry and other chores? I'm ultra grateful, but I just feel like I don't deserve it.

What a goofy thing to whine about. But how do I make this transition?