dxeechick

Me at Thirty. (Three)

2012-01-30T13:15:00.000-08:00

Its kind of hard to believe! I don't know dudes. I don't know about 33...

I notice more changes. Mostly on my face. My wrinkles have set in deeper. And new little ones appear every day, it seems. I have more days where I feel older, and my body aches when I get out of bed in the morning. I feel like I'll never catch up on sleep. But I guess all that is just part of getting older. Its just weird that it's actually happening to ME. Like, I'm not supposed to get old... ? And I'm not even OLD yet! It feels that way sometimes though.

I need to have the same attitude as my mom. She has said once or twice, "I earned each and every one of these wrinkles!" That's how I should look at it. The journal that my body has kept is like a badge of honor... A reminder of all things life.

The laugh lines are from the many joys that I've experienced. I smile with my eyes and boy, does it show. Tyra Banks calls it smizing, so I guess I'm kind of hip.

The sun spots are from lazy days on the beach. Some of my best days were spent on the beach or just playing outside. Happy, happy memories.

The rough spots on my feet are from the countless miles I have walked and all the places my feet have touched. They have walked cities and countries and have taken me on the greatest adventures.

The chin wrinkles are probably from ugly crying. Whether from heartbreak or being a dramatic teenager. The ugly cry happens and my chin quivers and shakes and wrinkles up.

My least favorite right now are the forehead wrinkles. They are a reminder of tougher times. Or maybe from watching too many intense TV shows where I furrow my brow. But those ones have really set in deep this year. No amount of anti-wrinkle cream can tackle them. At least they can be covered by bangs!

The stretch marks... oh, the stretch marks. From my sweet boy.

My weak knees are from long jogs on cold mornings. Which, surprisingly, I learned to love.

My backaches - well that must be from carrying around all this love. {Not to mention a 24 pound baby.} Can't really complain about that.

And of course my hands. They display my wedding ring. They take a million photos. And although they are constantly chipped, my nails are polished & colorful.

Do you know how hard it was not to edit the crap outta these pics??

I have a full life. I love many things about it. There are things I wish were different, but not many. If the next 33 years are anything like the first, I'll be in good shape. And really, they will probably be better because I'm a wiser person now and I think I value the things that are truly important in life. And I will continue to be grateful every single day for those truly important things. And all the fun little filler things too.

Cheers to THIRTY! (Three)

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13 Months

2012-01-23T22:46:00.000-08:00

I wasn't going to do a 13 Month update and just wait for 18 Months, but so much has happened just since he turned 1! He learned to sit himself up about a week after his birthday. It was so cute and he literally mastered it overnight, like it was the easiest thing in the world. We sometimes laugh when we find him sitting up in his crib refusing to take a nap. He looks right into the video monitor as if he knows we are watching - but he eventually loses that battle every time. He has 9 teeth now, including his 1-year molar. That one was a bitch coming in though, I tell you what! Huge black and blue blister for over a month. Oh, it looked awful. I touched it once and it gave me the willies. He understands when we ask him "What does the kitty say?" in English and Armenian. He doesn't know how to say "MEOW", but he makes this high pitched squeak every time we ask. We are working on dog (shoonig) and cow (gov) and monkey (gabig) too. He's showing a lot more interest in toys. They don't keep him occupied for very long, but at least he's grabbing things and showing signs of curiosity now. He will go out of his way to reach the iPhone or remote control though. He learned to wave "hi" and it's just about the cutest thing on the planet. And the biggest news came just about a week ago when he finally crawled! I'm not gonna lie, I teared up as he made his way across the living room. I was so proud of him! He's been working so hard at it for months and months and months, and then it just happened. A relief for sure, but now I know I'm in for it with him being able to get around! Look at this little guy go!

Cute wave!

Exciting times, my friends! I didn't know my voice could go that high.

25 Ways To Know You're Such a Mom

2012-01-21T09:56:00.000-08:00

Someone shared this link with me pointing out that I'm totally #20 & #3. What they didn't realize is I relate to a lot more of these than they thought! I'm sure most moms can. So I wanted to share the ones I totally get, plus add a couple of my own...

1. When you're kid throws up, you hold out your hands to catch it. Gross.
2. You pick someone else's boogers and it's no big deal. Also gross. {And not only is it no big deal to me, but I see it as a huge accomplishment. As if I performed surgery or something. Very satisfying to clear out booger town.)
3. "What kind of poop was it?" counts as stimulating conversation.
4. Your pets that you love so much all of a sudden drive you crazy.
5. You clench your nether regions before you sneeze, so you don't pee.
6. You eat rogue food from the floor and don't even bother to see if anyone's looking.
7. The last thing you do on vacation is relax.
8. When you check on the baby, you crawl into the room army style so they don't see you and want to be picked up.
9. You literally cry over spilled breast milk.
10. If you happen to cry over said milk, you dry your tears with the nearest dirty burp cloth. Ew.
11. You will drive around the neighborhood for an hour, just so you don't have to wake the baby up.
12. You find poop under your fingernail (or yogurt in your hair) and wonder how long it's been there.
13. Sometimes just getting ready for the day feels like a huge accomplishment.
14. When you hear a baby crying three aisles down at the store, you start swaying as if you're rocking them.
15. You catch yourself singing Sesame Street songs even when the kid isn't around.
16. When you squeeze your boobs in public to see how full they are.
17. When you tell others they should feel your boobs too because it's unbelievable how huge they are!
18. You'll be kissing your husband and have to finish it with a silly noise or raspberry.
19. The fact that you forgot to bring the binky to the grocery store with you sends you into a horrible panic.
20. When you make up the most ridiculous songs for every occasion. Bathtime, diaper change, eating, etc.
21. You are desperate for the baby to take a nap, and when he finally does, you get bored and want him to get up soon. (This has only happened to me once or twice. I love naptime. But it has happened.)
22. Surprisingly, you can pick up a lot of things with your feet!
23. You sniff the baby's butt to see if the diaper is dirty.
24. Your car is no longer your car. It has been taken over by toys, extra clothes & diapers, food, etc.
25. You can update your blog or edit a few photos, navigating the mouse and keyboard with only your left hand so you can hold the munchkin.

I'm not saying all of these are good qualities, or that I'm excited about doing all these things - but sometimes you do what you gotta do. And this is just things I've done in the first year. So I'm guessing this list is a work in progress...

Bedroom Spice Rack

2012-01-15T21:42:00.000-08:00

Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I'm basically a genius.

I didn't get this idea from a blog or from Pinterest, I came up with it all by myself, much to my own surprise. Although I'm sure it could be out there somewhere. And I blame Pinterest for fueling my need to share it with the world.

So let me tell you about The Bedroom Spice Rack!

For my friend's bridal shower, I bought a 12 bottle spice rack at Bed, Bath & Beyond, dumped all the spices out, and stuffed the jars with Victoria's Secret undies! Then I found a sexy silhouette from Google Images and whipped up this label for the box:

And voila! The Bedroom Spice Rack. It was totally the hit of the shower. If I had thought of it earlier and had more time, I would've made labels for each jar. But this was totally last minute, so I did what I could. I would also try and spend less money. It wasn't a cheap gift. Thank goodness Victoria's Secret was in the midst of their Semi-Annual Sale. That at least saved me a couple bucks.

Let's pin this, shall we?

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Fake Snow Day

2012-01-14T18:20:00.000-08:00

The Armenian Relief Society (which my husband's mother was active in for many, many years) held a fundraiser carnival today. We heard there was going to be snow, so I thought we should check it out. At least we could get a couple cute pictures. It was probably more trouble than it was worth, but we did it anyway.

My Instagr.am followers will see I kept the black fur boots!

Oh these glasses!

Everything in the mouth. EVERYTHING.

Proud Papa

There was a patch of snow about 15 feet wide, and there were about 50 maniacal kids running around, and we waited in line for a long time. So we weren't really having as much fun as it looks, but we are good at having fake fun in the fake snow! Woo hoo!

Stevie Loves

2012-01-13T13:17:00.000-08:00

I had elaborate plans for Stephen's one year old photo. Balloons, outfits, the park, perfect lighting. It was going to be magnificent. But today, I realized if I wanted to stick with these big plans, I was never actually going to get the photo done. So I grabbed some leftover material for a backdrop, put him in something clean, moved some furniture out of the way, and did an impromptu shoot right in the dining room. And I'm glad I didn't try to make a bigger thing than it needed to be, because most of the photo shoot looked like this:

If I had spent a ton of time and energy on this project, only to have him cry the whole time, I would've been really annoyed and frustrated. But we took our time and he got some emotional support from Elmo.

Then with a little luck and some peek-a-boo, I was able to get one smile - out of like 100 pictures. So here we have it. Stevie's One Year Photo. {Drum roll please}

TA-DAAAAAA!!!!

Eye Surgery Postponed

2012-01-12T18:19:00.000-08:00

After a handful of pre-op appointments and lots of phone calls and scheduling and faxes to and from different doctors and specialists to prepare for surgery on Monday morning, I just got a phone call telling me his eye surgery needs to be postponed.

The anesthesiologist reviewed his chart and doesn't feel comfortable working on Stephen in the outpatient area. He wants to book him in the OR instead {just in case something goes wrong}. That way they won't have to truck him very far.

But the OR is booked until Feb 20th. And I'm leaving town for a few days on the 24th, so I didn't feel comfortable going anywhere that close to a surgery date {also just in case something goes wrong}. So we are now scheduled for March 19th.

Part of me is a little disappointed, because I was ready to get this over with. And I'm so ready for this poor boy to see straight! But I realize it's for the best. And I'm glad the anesthesiologist is doing his job and taking proper precautions.

We'll hope when the time comes, there are no complications. He can live with strabismus {fancy for crossed eyeballs} for another 2 months.

Drama

2012-01-11T14:05:00.000-08:00

Can this day be over now?

To make me feel better, here are some pics from Disneyland!

Ah, doesn't that feel better?

Tired.

2012-01-10T22:00:00.000-08:00

I think the last few months have officially caught up to me.

Thankfully, I'm getting more sleep as of late, but the last few days it doesn't seem to matter how much sleep I get. I've even squeezed in a few afternoon naps here and there. I've started exercising again and eating better. (The holidays were good to my belly, but not good for the scale!)

I'm still tired.

The last time I felt like this was awhile back when I had started taking a new allergy medication. It made me sleepy and depressed. Once I figured out what it was, I was back to myself in 2 days. But I'm not on any meds now. Maybe I should be... Or maybe it's a post-holiday depression. Does anyone get that? Aren't most people glad when the holidays are over?

I just feel old and wrinkly and worn out and... old... and tired.

Hoping I'll snap out of it really soon.

P.S. Stevie had a pre-op today with the ophthalmologist. We are a go for next week to fix those crossed little eyeballs. More to come on that one.

1 Year Later

2012-01-07T13:25:00.000-08:00

One year ago today, we were in a very different place.

Children's Hospital.

My husband and I were on no sleep. And just waiting. Stephen was undergoing the 1st of his open heart surgeries.

The day before, we had found out that he had a congenital heart defect and the doctors whisked him from my arms into the NICU. One minute, he was doing the things a 2 week old does. The next, he was hooked up to countless tubes and wires and medicated into sleep. I will never forget the moment I first laid eyes on him like that. It truly took my breath away. We could barely look at him. It was just so unreal. We were so afraid. He was so small. Even looking at the pictures now is difficult. Doctors and surgeons kept introducing themselves and explaining things to us. I barely remember them at all. And yet, Stevie's life depended on them.

And our lives depended on his survival.

As his mother, I wondered why I didn't know something was wrong. Where was my motherly instinct? How could something so major go unnoticed? Not that it mattered anymore. All that mattered was that we figured out the problem before it was too late. And now we had the opportunity to fix it and let our son live his life.

We felt a huge weight off of our shoulders when the surgeon came in and told us that the surgery had been a success. And a huge pit in our stomachs when he told us that the baby had gone into cardiac arrest and would need to be taken back to the OR. The darkness that overcame me at that point was indescribable. I would never wish that feeling on anyone. Nor do I ever want to feel that way again. I felt like his luck had run out. I kept imagining the worst. Thank God the surgeons were on their game. They were experienced and knew what to do. The incomparable Dr. Wells came in two hours later and told us they had figured out the problem. They had saved his life.

Again.

We couldn't wait to see Stevie! It would be several days before we could even hold him, but being by his bedside was all that mattered. I remember he would do little things, like suck on his bottom lip - and that was a huge relief for me. These little signs of life. Oh, they were everything! And when he started waking up more and fighting with the nurses, well, we just knew this feisty little turd would be back in action in no time at all.

For the anniversary of that day, we had to celebrate. Celebrate that Stephen survived all the things his little champion heart had been through. We wanted to take him somewhere special. Can you think of any place better?

I am so grateful we made it through this year. To see Stevie grow and progress is even more sweet now, when we imagine what could have been. It hasn't been easy. But we feel so blessed. In so many ways. This has kept us humble and has been a huge learning experience. We are eternally thankful to all the people who have contributed in any way - big or small - to his life, and our lives. We couldn't have done it without them. And every single person holds a special place in my heart. Even if I don't remember their names.

Things I Learned In 2011

2012-01-03T22:26:00.000-08:00

1) Botox and boob jobs. I've always been against them. Not that I'm gonna do it, but I'll just say "I get it now."

2) Low rise jeans are sexy. But I'm a grown ass woman. High rise jeans stay up and hide muffin tops.

3) I get along really well with girls named Stacey/Stacy/Stacie. I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that I used to wish my name was Stacey. (Stacey McGill to be exact. Yes, I just made a Babysitter's Club reference.)

4) I have less and less tolerance for rude/judgmental/ignorant people. There's too much mean in the world. Let's be nice to each other.

5) I'm crazy about my husband. That has always been true. But now I'm even more crazy about him as a Father.

6) Babies. I've learned a lot about babies.

7) A dark chocolate and Diet Coke overdose may be the death of me.

8) Cereal can sometimes be the best dinner.

9) Pinterest. Wow. All the things I never knew I wanted to do in one place.

10) Since I got through 2011 and didn't take up drinking, I now know I get through pretty much anything. ...And pass me a margarita.

11) When my mother told me "the laundry never ends", she really wasn't kidding.

12) When I step on the scale with my right foot, it shows I weigh 2 pounds less than when I step on with my left. I CHOOSE THE RIGHT!

13) No one will EVER give me a good enough reason why gay people shouldn't be allowed to get married.

14) A non-sleep lifestyle was only sustainable in my early 20's. In my 30's, I now need 9 hours just to function. And I rarely get that. So I'm just exhausted, like all the time.

15) Learning who your true friends are is a lesson that is ever changing.

16) I still don't get Twitter.

25 Days of Holiday Photos

2011-12-31T13:01:00.000-08:00

I love Instagr.am! Makes these photo challenges so fun and simple! (You can follow me @dxeechick)

Day 1: Something Red

Day 2: A List

Day 3: Christmas Tree

Day 4: Away In A Manger

Day 5: Christmas Cards Ready to Go Out

Day 6: Presents Wrapped Under the Tree

Day 7: A Holiday Treat

This one was an outtake... BOOBS.

Day 8: Wreath

Day 9: Christmas Lights (I didn't realize these are up year-round at the chinese restaurant...)

Day 10: Something warm and tasty

Day 11: Something sparkly

Day 12: Santa Claus

Day 13: A Holiday Show (Cirque Du Soleil's IRIS @ the Kodak Theater)

Day 14: Holiday Shopping

Day 15: Watching a Christmas Movie

Day 16: A public Christmas Tree

Day 18: Stockings hung by the chimney

Day 19: Wrapping Gifts

Day 20: Something that gets you in the holiday spirit

Day 21: Holiday Greetings

Day 22: A Good Deed (Blessing bags for the homeless)

Day 23: A tradition (White Elephant)

Day 24: A gift from someone

Day 25: Christmas!

And...Christmas!

2011-12-29T10:37:00.000-08:00

It was lovely.

Enjoyed everything about it. It went by too fast. We have one more Christmas party, New Years and BAM, the holidays are done. :(

12 Months Old

2011-12-23T22:36:00.000-08:00

Baby: Another month has gone by and still, no crawling! Bummer. Not quite sitting up yet, either. But he's closer every day. He can pull himself up when he holds my hands, but his balance is still terrible. When we practice walking with him, he takes the huge, exaggerated footsteps that always make me laugh. He's had a rough couple nights this month where he sleeps until about 3am and then wakes up and stays up. That gets old fast. But at least it's not a daily thing. He sleeps more nights than not. We went through a couple weeks where he REFUSED to wear his eye patch. Since he learned to take off his glasses, it has been a nightmare. A constant fight. Stubborn little turd. His 2 front teeth have made an appearance. He first had these awful black and blue blisters before they broke through though. Pediatrician said it's somewhat common. As the tooth moves down it can break a blood vessel and fill up the gums with blood. Yuck! He has been quite the trooper as I've been keeping him extra busy this month. We took him to San Diego and Utah for Thanksgiving(s), then he joined me as we trucked the Finns all over town for 10 days, plus a road trip to San Francisco and now we are heading back to Utah for Christmas. But man, he's been awesome. Mostly stayed on his sleep schedule and just proves more and more that he likes being out and about. Says "Ma" sometimes, but it always sounds like he has a stuffy nose - more like "Mba".

I still need to do his official 1 year pic...

Parents: We love and hate seeing him grow up all at the same time. We agree that he just gets cuter and cuter every day. His personality is really starting to show through and even that little face! We thought he couldn't get any cuter than when he was a little guy, but he has! Love to squish his squishiness!

Mommy's Thoughts: As you may have read in a previous announcement, I stopped pumping. And gained 5 pounds right away. Grrr. But I'll start running again and watching what I eat. It's just no fun! No more 30 Day Ice Cream challenges for me! I feel like I'm doing a pretty good job as a mom. It's being a good wife that I worry more about. It's hard to balance a relationship with two people that you love so much that have such different wants and needs. But we are all learning this together. One year down... 99 more to go!

Stephen Turns 1!

2011-12-23T11:05:00.000-08:00

Oh my goodness. It is hard to believe its been a whole year since this little man arrived.

We never anticipated this. He has taught us about life. And a new kind of love. Everything has changed. We've shared tears of happiness and all kinds of other tears too. The unexpected has happened. And he has been a miracle in more ways than one. He is strong from the inside out. And makes us smile so hard, it tingles our toes. He delights everyone he meets.

What did we do before he came along? What would we do without him? He has been a handful for sure, but I'd echo every other parent in saying that he is worth it. All of it. The fear, the pain, the sadness, the worry, the frustration. It's all there. But he balances it out with his sweet soul, his smile, his cuddles, his laugh, and just the joy he brings to us by being here. By being him. I wouldn't know or want things any other way.

So Happy 1st Birthday to my sweet little bug. Surely there will be more surprises and more challenges along the way, but if we keep smiling and continue to be brave, we will also be rewarded with more happiness and fulfillment.

Bring. It. On.

God, I love this kid.

Welcome to SoCal. I'll Be Your Tour Guide.

2011-12-21T00:29:00.000-08:00

We had quite the eventful week over here. Not that things have slowed down since they left, but my cousin and his fiancee from Finland spent about 9 days with us. They visited last winter, about 3 days before I had the baby. I was huge and boring, but they still had so much fun, they made a return trip! Since they saw all the big tourist-y things last year, this year was a little more low key (but a lot more fun for me since I got to participate. And a big thank you to Tati for all her help baby-sitting!!)

We ate out, shopped, visited Old Town Pasadena, put together Blessing Bags (more on that later), played miniature golf, hung out in Downtown L.A., went to a Cirque Du Soleil show, and ate & shopped some more They also got to attend a Conan taping and a Ducks game while I sneaked over to Disneyland to feel some holiday cheer.

Then we polished off the week with a fabulous trip to San Francisco - where we shopped, ate, went to Fisherman's Wharf, Pier 39, Alcatraz Island, the Golden Gate Bridge, Ghiradelli Square, and just drove around the city. Posted a bunch of pics on Facebook if you wanna see. Only to return home and throw Stevie's 1st birthday party the next day. (More on that later, as well.)

Did I say it was more low-key than last year? OK maybe not.

But such a great, fun time.

And as much as playing hostess/tour guide wears me out, I just love it. I think I'm kind of awesome at it. You should never leave Southern California feeling disappointed. Especially when I'm the one showing you around.

All Done!

2011-12-14T10:40:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was my last day with these trusty ol' friends.

We've been through it all together. Long, sleepless nights. Hospital stays. Road trips. After nearly 12 months, we now part ways. I don't know if I will miss them. Whenever I thought of giving them up, it made me a little anxious. But the less I use them, the less I think about it.

So it is bitter sweet in its own weird way.

Hopefully I don't have to buy formula for long.

And hopefully my boobs look semi-normal again someday.

And hopefully I can keep off the pounds that the milk-making helped me shed.

Parting is such sweet sorrow.

OK not really.

Peace out, pumps.

Until we meet again.

Finnish Visitors

2011-12-13T08:36:00.000-08:00

We are in the midst of a fun and crazy week with these kids:

They came all the way from Finland and they want to see it all! Let's do this.

Mommy Faux Pas #7

2011-12-05T10:00:00.001-08:00

My husband is really great. Especially in the mornings. He gets up with Stephen first, gives him his meds, changes his diaper, feeds him, etc. It gives me the much needed relaxation I need before facing the day.

This morning I thought I would help, and put Stephen in his highchair while papa prepared his breakfast. I don't usually strap the kid in because... well, I'm lazy. And the highchair tray holds him in just fine. However, I failed to mention this to my poor husband and when he was done feeding him, he took the tray off not realizing that Stevie wasn't buckled in. Forward goes the wiggle worm, slamming his head on the dining room table and giving my husband a small heart attack as he tries to grab the falling child.

There were tears.

From all of us.

Oops.

Photo Challenge: November

2011-11-30T21:43:00.000-08:00

I took a couple months off of doing daily pictures because I was not creative enough to come up with any ideas. Sad, but true. So I found this 30 Day Photo Challenge (along with a bunch of other Photography Lists/Challenges) and I should have a least a couple months covered.

Day 1 (Self Portrait):

Day 2 (What Your Wore Today): My uniform

Day 3 (Clouds):

Day 4 (Something Green):

Day 5 (From a High Angle): Baby Fort!

Day 6 (From a Low Angle):

Day 7 (Fruit):

Day 8 (A Bad Habit):

Day 9 (Someone You Love): Obvs!

Day 10 (Childhood Memory): I've had this thing for a long time. He needed a wash because he was all dusty and musty!

Day 11 (Something Blue):

Day 13 (Yourself with 13 Things): Hubby makes it 14 things...

Day 14 (Eyes):

Day 15 (Silhouette):

Day 16 (Long Exposure):

Day 18 (Your Shoes):

Day 19 (Something Orange):

Day 20 (Bokeh):

Day 21 (Faceless Self Portrait):

Day 22 (Hands): With his grandma

Day 23 (Sunflare):

Day 24 (Animal): Or what's left of it! Awwww....

Day 25 (Something Pink): One of my favorite necklaces from my gal pal.

Day 26 (Close-up):

Day 27 (From a Distance): Leaving So Utah :(

Day 28 (Flowers): Plates at Benihana's

Day 29 (Black & White): Uh, that's yogurt in my hair. Not sure how long it was there before I noticed...

Day 30 (Self Portrait):

December will be a holiday checklist of sorts, for sure! Yay! But wait, it's going to be DECEMBER tomorrow! Holy crap.

Grateful

2011-11-28T15:13:00.000-08:00

This Thanksgiving was so much fun, I honestly forgot to take time and reflect on all I was thankful for. Lame! But I guess I can say I'm really thankful for these good times! They help pull me through what I have called a "rough year". Of course, every year has its own challenges, but this one brought on some things we never anticipated. So I'm glad we are still happy. And I'm thankful that our families and extended families are here for us. And I'm kind of grateful that this year is almost over - even though in some ways I don't want it to end.

Here are some pics from our TWO Thanksgivings. Jealous?

San Diego

Utah

Too many photos to edit for today. But believe me, there are some real gems. Great holiday weekend!

11 Months Old

2011-11-23T11:10:00.000-08:00

Baby: Well I was hoping by now we'd have the exciting news that he finally crawled and sat up on his own. Not quite. But he is so stinkin' close! The pediatrician isn't worried, wants to give him a little extra time. Sleeping so much better (as you may have heard. Yeah, I'm just a little excited.) Everything from his surgery is healing up so beautifully. He's been going extra crazy in the bath lately. Huge splashes, sliding, there is no containing his excitement. He has been protesting more when we make him do things he doesn't want to. Understands "NO, NO!" And hates to hear it. Always gives the sad pouty lips when we say it. His hair is getting longer and blonder. Has a funny little tail in the back. Tooth #5 is making an appearance.

Parents: Sometimes we really tire of the routine. We know its best for the bug, but man. We've never been on such a schedule. The day to day sometimes gets old. But of course, it is benefiting us in one major way: SLEEP. Getting more rest makes everything easier.

Mommy's Thoughts: I know you're all just dying to hear more boob stories. Too bad, I don't have much to share. The pumping is slowly but surely winding down. I pump once in the AM and once in the PM and there's not much to give anymore. So by the end of the year, this craziness will be over. In non-boob related news, I have a lot of days where I question what I'm doing or if I'm doing things right or whatever. I really, really want Stephen to be progressing faster than he is. And I wonder if I'm doing enough to help him along. I know I'm not supposed to do that. He's been through a lot and he'll get there in his own time. Why am I so impatient for it? I should actually relish in the fact that he's not mobile yet! Once he starts getting around on his own, things will change. My days will be different. But I do worry that he'll fall behind in more ways than one and I hope I'm doing all I can to keep him on track. On HIS track.

Holiday Card...

2011-11-20T20:49:00.001-08:00

We shot our holiday card this weekend. It was super fun. And we got it done early for a change. Usually we shoot like 2 weeks before Christmas and then it's a mad dash to get it out on time. Now, I can't tell you what it is, but I think you will like it.

These are our cards from the past:

2007

2008

2009

2010

(Nobody really got this one, but it was supposed to be like Home Alone.)

Anyway, dare I say - 2011's card is our finest work??! I think so. It's already set as our computer background and we smile every time we see it. But I can't show it to you yet! Let me build the suspense. I thought about giving a hint too, but it will definitely give it away. So just keep a lookout in your mailboxes! Heehee!

Purging

2011-11-15T10:44:00.000-08:00

Every 6 months or so I like to go through my closet and get rid of the stuff I haven't been wearing (to make room for the new stuff of course!) It's one of my favorite things to do. I always feel so liberated for some reason.

This last cycle has been a totally different experience than I'm used to though. Instead of tossing stuff that is too small and uncomfortable, I'm packing up box after box of clothes that are too big. Trust me, I have never had to do anything like this before. It's very strange.

And the realization I had was that I have no problem getting rid of things that are too small. Give them to Goodwill, send them to skinnier people than myself. I don't miss them, I don't think about them... Just get 'em outta my closet! I want no part of them. And I always blame the clothes more than myself. I never thought of myself as FAT (except for a few bad days, you know how it is) So clearly the clothes must have been shrinking. Or something.

But the things that are too big, I have a very hard time parting with. "Just in case", I keep telling myself. I wish I was as quick to part with the bigger clothes and use it as motivation to stay on the smaller side. But I haven't been this weight since High School (?), so I don't quite know what to make of it. I just assume I'll be gaining it back. Of course, when we have more kids I'll need some of the clothes as a giant ol' pregnant lady, but I guess I just lack the confidence to believe that I can get back to this weight again. When I look in the mirror, I don't look any different to myself. I just know my pants keep falling off. And I honestly don't even like talking about it, in case I jinx it somehow.

It's kind of stupid, but true. The moral of the story? Shoes are the better investment. They always fit.

Another Sleep Update

2011-11-10T11:16:00.000-08:00

SUCCESS!!

We are - what - 8 days in? And I don't want to jinx anything, but Stephen has been sleeping through the night for the last 3 days. 9pm to 6am. For the most part. He does get a little fussy here and there, but he settles back down pretty quickly. And putting him to bed is a breeze. When he's tired and ready, he usually cries for about 2 minutes and then just lets it happen. Who would have ever thought??

The only challenge I've had is his 3:00 nap. Boy oh boy. It makes him mad when I put him in that crib!! The longest it's taken him to calm down is 30 minutes. That happened twice. And I almost pulled him out, thinking maybe he wasn't tired after all... But then he fell asleep and slept for 2 hours! So I think we are on the right track.

Besides the sleeping thing (which is a BIG DEAL for us, obviously) we are just busy with life. Getting excited for the holidays! Working a lot! (See my photo blog for all the fun stuff I've been up to.) Watching this boy grow and grow!

Exactly one year ago today, I looked like this:

Can't believe this insane year is almost over...

Sleep Sucks (Update)

2011-11-06T09:28:00.001-08:00

Sleep is improving! I am so proud of all of us. It wasn't easy to let him cry. We would stand by his bed and rub his back, and talk sweet to him. But we never picked him up, as much as we wanted to.

The first night we tried this, it took Stevie 30 minutes to fall asleep. He cried hard a few times. He woke up twice in the night.

The second night, it took Stevie 15 minutes to fall asleep. His cries were a lot less intense. He woke up twice in the night.

The third night, it took Stevie 8 minutes to fall asleep. He mostly whimpered and whined. Not many tears. He woke up once at 5am.

Last night, it took Stevie 8 minutes to fall asleep (with the sitter!) She said he didn't cry all that much, she just sang him lullabies. He woke up once at 5am.

His naps have been in the crib too. The first couple days, he was ticked when I stuck him in the there. But he's getting used to it I think. He doesn't cry for nap time, just kind of hangs out. It makes him seem like such a big boy.

So, if we can get him to sleep past that 5am hump, things will be awesome! I should mention when he wakes up at 5am, he's AWAKE. Done sleeping. Period. For about an hour. Then he goes back to sleep until 7:30 or so. So we are still tired. But there is so much improvement, that we see hope on the horizon and we are happy with that! In fact, we would like to take a moment and pat ourselves on the back.

---

Thank you.

Sleep Sucks.

2011-11-02T21:35:00.000-07:00

My husband and I LOVE to sleep. We are not people who sleep all day or anything, but we both really know and appreciate the value of a good night's sleep.

Since our little BFF Stevie came around, we have kissed those days of a good night's sleep bye-bye. I think most parents know how that goes! At 10 months old, our little guy still usually wakes up twice a night for a little comfort, and I have learned to cope with that. I sometimes even enjoy bringing him in the bed and letting him crash out in between us. (Although, I do often think about how that it's been MORE THAN A YEAR since I have had one full night of sleep.) But I try not to complain {too much} and my husband has been great about getting up with him in the morning to let me catch a few extra winks before he leaves for work.

Now, we anticipated that after his surgery, there would be a few rough days and nights as he recuperated. The cardiologist mentioned that he was suffering from a slight case of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder because of the surgery. Isn't that the saddest thing ever?? Poor baby!! So we got ready for some difficult times. And they came. Grumpy, grumpy days. Very needy baby. But it was nothing compared to what's been going on the last 5 nights.

Friday was the first time this happened: Stephen went to sleep so late - at like 11pm. He was up at 1:30am and didn't go back to sleep until 3:30am. Then he was up and ready for the day again at 6:30am.

The same thing happened Saturday and Sunday and Monday. We could no longer write it off as a fluke.

By Tuesday, we were exhausted and pretty dang frustrated. So I took it upon myself to cut out his afternoon nap. It was no fun keeping him awake, especially since I was so tired myself. But I just knew we would reap the rewards when he slept through the night.

Except that he didn't. He didn't sleep through the night. He was up at 3am and didn't go back to sleep until almost 6am!!!!!! WHAT THE EFF?

The confusing part about it, is that he'll wake up with a few tears, but then just mostly wants to play. It's like he's just had enough sleep. He's not tired anymore. He rolls around and babbles and plays with his binky, as long as he's in the bed with us. So we knew he wasn't in pain or distress. But after about an hour of playing, he finally starts getting tired. This is when the dramatic show starts. He fights the sleep with all his might and kicks and cries and won't settle down. We've had to wrestle with him 1 to 2 hours until he finally just wears out.

I can't tell you how aggravating it was. No matter how much I told myself to stay calm and relaxed, my patience level was not at its strongest towards the end of the 3 hour fiasco. I longed for the days of getting up twice a night with him. And I found myself asking God why he was punishing us. Haven't we been through enough??? CAN YOU PLEASE JUST HELP HIM SLEEP??? My husband and I start turning on each other because we couldn't turn on the kid. We were both just at our wit's end.

Today I walked around feeling like I was about 80 years old. And the husband demanded that something be done. We at least had to try.

So tonight we did something that I really never thought we'd do. A modified "Cry It Out" method. We put him in his own room for the first time and tried to get him to fall asleep on his own. My goal was to have him sleeping in his own room by the time he turned 1 anyway, so I guess now's good, right? Well, he wailed and wailed. We checked on him every few minutes but our words of comfort didn't seem to help him calm down much. And the "every few minutes" were the longest of my life! But after a 30 minute struggle, he was asleep.

In between checking on him, I was online reading about these methods and torturing myself with thoughts that he's going to think we don't love him, and he's going to lose trust in us, and it's going to desensitize us to his needs, and it will make his PTSD worse, and he's not going to need me anymore. I mean the thoughts were going round and round.

I don't know how he'll do the rest of the night. Who knows? We may be up every 30 minutes with a wailing baby on our hands. But when you're this close to the end of your rope, you'll try the last resort you hoped you'd never have to.

Oh, my little heart-breaker.

Well, I'm going to bed! I'll let you know how it turns out!

Happy Halloweeeeeen

2011-10-31T22:03:00.000-07:00

Our Halloween was splendid. Over the weekend, we checked out our favorite haunted houses in the area. Always a lot of fun. We even made it into a couple news stories for a second. Here's the Channel 9 News clip (at 00:30 seconds in): Burbank Man Works On His Scary Haunted House All Year Long « CBS Los Angeles

Today, we took Stevie to probably 5 houses for some Tricks 'n' Treats and then had dinner with the in-laws. Yeah, I know he's too young for candy. So our plan to pimp out the baby for our own gain worked out perfectly. Buahahaha.

Splendid, indeed.

Post-Ops

2011-10-29T10:42:00.000-07:00

So last week, Stevie got his stitches out and had a good check-up. Then yesterday, we had the little guy's follow up appointment with the Cardiologist and so far everything looks great! Everyone has been happy with the way his surgery turned out. His EKG looked fine. His saturations (oxygen levels) are at 98% (!!!) This in itself is amazing, when the highest we've ever seen before this was 85%. There's still a slight murmur, but that will probably always be there, just not as loud as it used to be. They did his ultrasound and we finished up the appointment in her office with this conversation...

Doc: So, everything looks great. The ultrasound shows that there is a slight leak between the two chambers where they patched the hole, but that is not totally unusual. It's quite a bit of patchwork over that big hole... So we will go ahead and plan on seeing you back here in 3 months.

Me: Three months! Even with a leak?? Are you sure??

Doc: Yeah, most likely the leak will just fix itself. It's not a huge concern.

Me: Three months! (I look at Stephen and back at her.) But what do I do? Like, what do I look for? What?! It seems like such a long time!

Doc: I know! But he'll be fine. Just call us if anything really, really strange happens, like if he faints or something. The problem is not something that will hurt him overnight, even if something goes terribly wrong. We will see it before we need to intervene. There will be major warning signs.

Me: Three months. Okay. Three months! (Deep breath) This is the first procedure he's had with no complications, so okay! Three months.

Doc: Have a nice holiday season.

Me (in my head): HOLIDAYS?! I WON'T SEE YOU UNTIL AFTER THE HOLIDAYS?!! OH MY GOSH! But there's a leak! And I don't know what I'm doing!

Me (out loud): Okay, you too. Thanks!

So yeah. No cardiology appointment for three months. And eventually we'll get it down to once a year. So we went from seeing them every month to once every 3 months to eventually once every 6 months and then once a year. ONE appointment a YEAR! It makes me nervous and happy all at once. Stephen will be a year old the next time we're in that office.

And damn, what a year it has been. I mean, really.

Lombardi Family Farms

2011-10-24T20:29:00.001-07:00

We discovered this place last year through the recommendation of a friend who works near the farm. It is so awesome! They have a huge pumpkin patch, a wagon ride, train ride, petting zoo, face painting, scarecrow alley, corn maze, snow cones, etc. Everything that you love about fall all wrapped into one. Except for the 90 degree weather, that is. But regardless, this will be a family tradition I think.

Last year we went with a good group and had such a blast checking out the whole place. This year was super packed, and we went with a different group but it was still really fun. We didn't do much besides try to stay out of the direct heat. But we enjoyed some snow cones and checked out the scarecrow contest and the kids got their faces painted. I loved every minute!

10 Months Old

2011-10-23T10:46:00.001-07:00

Baby: He's been home from the hospital for a week now and this first week home has had its up and downs. As far as Stephen's health is concerned, that's one of the ups. He got his stitches out Friday and the wound looks great. It's going to heal up beautifully. He has a cardiology appointment this coming week to check out all the new parts of the ticker, so we are looking forward to seeing his heart work in a new and different way. No more hole, no more bypass, new pulmonary valve! I am excited. He has a couple new teeth coming in, which will make 4 total! He hasn't made much progress in the milestone area this month, but we kind of knew it would be slow because of the surgery. He lost a little bit of weight since being home, but we are working on getting his appetite back to where it was pre-surgery. He'll be chunked up again soon.

Parents: The hardest part of being home for us is Stephen's new-found separation anxiety. We talked to the nurses about it and they said that yes, he's at a perfect age to be going through something like that, plus he just went through a traumatic experience, so he's probably going to be on the high-maintenance side. (My cousin also brought up a good point that he was like this after his first surgery too. I think I had written it off to him just being a fussy baby, but she's right. It's a very similar situation.) Any time we put him down to play or we leave the room or even just walk out of his line of sight, he cries and cries and cries. Of course we feel bad for him and give him as much extra loves as we can, but it can be really tiring too. And we feel our patience dwindling. It's hard because there's not much we can do for him and we sometimes wonder if he's in pain or just grouchy or what? It's been awesome to have my husband home this week, so at least we can switch off watching him while the other can get a couple things done. It's also been nice because we've had a couple of awesome date nights/afternoons! Woo-hoo!

Mommy's Thoughts: Next week I'll be on my own, since the husband HAS to work I guess. So I'm mentally preparing for a rough week, and just telling myself to enjoy the fact that the wee one needs me so much right now because it will all go by so quickly. The stuff I want to do can always be done another day. Sometimes it's hard to remember that, especially when I need to pee or get a glass of water and it's like the end of the world for him! But I'll do my best. Little grumpy butt wearing me out. But as far as the bigger picture is concerned, I'm so happy to be on the other side of this surgery. It's done. No more anxiety and fears building up about it. Sure, I have fears about other things now, but the big one is over. I can manage pretty much anything else that comes along at this point!

Paranoia

2011-10-17T22:45:00.000-07:00

Today we were a little paranoid. But we're ok with it. Better safe than sorry.

Middle of the night, Stephen had a low grade fever of 100.2 and a little redness around one of his incisions (where chest tube #2 was). For the past 24 hours, he has been a horrible grump. Occasional crying and constant complaining. Loudly. Nothing really seems to make him feel better - food, naps, love, or Tylenol with codeine.

So we called the nurse practitioner at Children's Hospital and they said they would take a look at him. Which they did. And they didn't see any cause for concern.

His fever went away quickly, but the complaining continues.

I guess I'd be complaining too if I just had open heart surgery. And constipation. And new teeth coming in.

Poor boo.

Home

2011-10-15T21:25:00.001-07:00

Oh my goodness. We are home. Four days after open heart surgery.

I wasn't anticipating it and I have mixed feelings about it.

On one hand, it made me nervous taking him out of the hospital with fresh scars. We have to do things a little differently for awhile, like we cannot pick him up by his underarms. Imagine having to scoop up your 10 month old like a newborn! It's not easy. He is not a small boy. We have to do that for about 8 weeks until his sternum is healed. The times it's most difficult is getting him out of the bath and out of the car seat. Doable, but you definitely have to think before you grab him. We also have to try and keep him off his stomach as much as possible, but for someone who is just learning to crawl... well, it's tricky. He hasn't tried laying on it yet, probably still quite sore. But we'll see how he does in a few days. We have to be careful, but also don't want to delay his milestones any more either.

He has lost a couple pounds and I worry about his food intake. He hasn't thrown up since 5:30 this morning, but he's also only been eating a couple ounces of breastmilk here and there. Can we quickly talk about how glad I am that I made the decision to keep pumping this whole time?? His stomach hasn't tolerated formula or solid food yet. Fresh breastmilk is the only thing he's been able to keep down. I'm not making enough any more to feed him only milk through the day, but it will suffice for a little bit until he can start eating other things.

The upside of all this is that we are HOME. It's scary but so much more comfortable and familiar and happy. So while I'm nervous, I'm glad. Right when we walked in the door, all of us took a nap! And I'm excited to sleep in our big ol' squishy bed tonight. It gives me a back-ache, but its a million times better than any hospital chair/bed!

Good and Bad

2011-10-14T10:24:00.001-07:00

The "bad" isn't so bad - it's just barf. But sometimes it distracts us from the good.

This morning he got a snagged stitch, which bled a little, and that set the tone for a crabby boy. He has been really congested as well, so they've been encouraging us to sit him up and get him to cough out all the yuckies. But sometimes he coughs so hard, it makes him throw up. I think it hurts him a little, and it ain't pretty. But hopefully once he gets out all the gross stuff, he'll feel better. He's had a difficult time with eating too, and that will probably be our only hurdle to getting him home by the weekend. Well, that and getting him off oxygen. He still needs a little bit, or his oxygen levels drop.

But did you catch that part about the weekend? Can you believe they said we might be home this weekend?? Wow.

His chest tubes are out as of yesterday and we immediately noticed a difference in his demeanor. He felt so much better, like instantly. He spent the day in his bed babbling and playing with his feet and even smiled some. He was calm and happy. It was a surprise and such a joy to see. He's quickly returning to his old self. In fact, I think he was more happy here than he usually is at home. Haha. Today hasn't been quite as easy, but he's still doing great.

Passed out. :)

High hopes are flying around in this room...

Progress

2011-10-13T11:39:00.001-07:00

Stephen is making good progress all the time. He is off all the medications, just gets a quick shot of a couple things as needed (like pain meds).

They took out almost all his wires and needles, just has one line in the groin- for those quick shots - and the chest tube for draining, since he is still bleeding a little bit. He is taking about a half liter of oxygen still too, but he will get weened off of that pretty soon. When they turn it completely off, he desaturates though.

I know, hospital jargon.

Vitals all look good. He just gives us a scare once in awhile when he is really mad. He thinks it's cool to hold his breath and that bring his oxygen levels way down and sets off all the alarms. But he recovers quickly so that's a good thing. And it's something he has done since he was a newborn, so not much of a shock.

Yesterday he had some pedialyte and milk and sucked those down in mere minutes. Starvin' Marvin! He hasn't had much of an appetite other than that first meal though. Couple sips of milk here and there. We will try giving him apple sauce this afternoon.

This morning he was pretty grumpy and nothing seemed to make him feel better (even Elmo!) But he finally calmed down in daddy's arms and has been happy and cozy there for quite some time. Until daddy needs to pee, I'm guessing!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

OHS #2

2011-10-11T14:21:00.001-07:00

Stephen had his second open heart surgery early this morning. It was a success, according to our amazing surgeon. We are so glad that he is safe and has a healthy working heart.

This morning came much too soon for my liking. We were out of bed at 4:30am and headed to the hospital around 5am. We got him checked in and had some labs drawn and thought we would be waiting around for quite some time. But the anesthesiologist came and got him at 7:05 and off he went. It was nearly impossible to hand him over - I would have rather just tucked him under my shirt and run away from it all. But we knew what had to be done and somehow mustered the courage to put little buddy's life in their hands.

They told us the surgery would take about 3 hours and almost on the nose, the surgeon came and told us everything went well. They patched the rather large hole in his heart and put in a bovine's jugular (aka: cow's neck) valve to act as his pulmonary valve. The surgeon hopes that he will get a good 5 years out of it before it needs replacing. No more surgeries for 5 YEARS - you hear that Stevie??

We were expecting to see the little man by noon, but by 1:30 we still hadn't heard from anyone, so we started bugging the nurses and finally got to see him at 2pm. They are having a bit of a hard time getting him stable still. His blood pressure is high and he is bleeding a lot. It's not totally unexpected at this point in the game, since this was such a major surgery. They are working on giving him blood transfusions (glad we donated, all our blood types are the same), something to clot the blood, and other meds until the bleeding stops and they get the numbers where they want. Hubs and I are in the room with him now and I gotta say, it has been difficult seeing him like this again. Definitely doesn't get any easier. I feel kind of sick to my stomach and the tears come easily seeing him struggle even a little bit. They have his pain controlled, but it's just hard.

Our prayers started out as pleas for his surgery to be a success. They shifted to prayers of gratitude that he made it through. And now we are asking for a swift recovery. Thanks to everyone who joined us in thought and prayer today as we work through. Looking forward to being on the other side of this when it's all over.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

A Rare Moment of Calm

2011-10-10T12:44:00.001-07:00

Or maybe you just can't see his kicking legs in the shot. Either way... loves.

Mom Style

2011-10-05T11:20:00.000-07:00

It's amazing how mommy mode kind of sneaked up on me. I have a husband who's morning schedule is very flexible, so I always have time to shower and get ready... if I choose that over sleep... And I only have one baby, so Lord help us when more come along!

When Stephen was born, I was exhausted, but kind of felt like I could still do it all. As I got even more tired (which I didn't know was possible) and the baby needed more attention (also didn't know that was possible), things just started falling to the wayside. It started innocently enough.

One day I didn't have the energy to go on my morning jog.

I haven't had the energy since.

Time for a haircut?

Yeah right.

Accessorize my outfit...

Ooops, I forgot!

Um, the house looks like it's part of a Hoarders episode.

Oh well!

Did you make dinner?

Yes, it's called a sandwich.

Quick, the baby's asleep, do something productive!

Dang, he's awake and all I did was check Facebook and update my blog!

Then one by one, my morning routine started to fall off. No time to put on lotion today! The next day, no make-up, only mascara. The following week, no time for ironing. At least during the summer, I could get away with shorts and a t-shirt every single day.

Mommy Uniform for Summer

But before I realized it, I looked like THAT mom. Showing up to the grocery store in yoga pants - no yoga involved - and sunglasses, hoping no one would notice. I used to look at those moms and think that would never happen to me. But when it did, I kind of didn't care.

So the days that Stevie is good, I will take care of myself. And the days that he needs me more, I will take care of him. (Although, I have let him cry numerous times while I got dressed because I certainly can't go to the doctor in my pj's) At least I still have perfectly groomed toenails to go with my shlubby-bubby mom style. Bam!

Whatevs. My fashion diva is still in there, just doesn't get out as much.

What's your mom style? I know I'm not alone!

fall fall fall

2011-10-04T18:32:00.000-07:00

Today we got our first glimpse of fall, with a cloudy sky and temps at about 70 degrees. It made my heart so happy. Granted, its supposed to warm up again next week, but I'll take some weather anytime.

It also reminded me that I have a Fall Bucket List to start. (Another idea from Pinterest)

I didn't do any pictures for September, so hopefully an October project will go a little better. It will be a good distraction too from all the upcoming drama.

...7 days and counting *sigh*

DIY Week, I Guess!

2011-09-27T21:40:00.001-07:00

Well I got one more project under my belt this week. I honestly don't know what's come over me! But this one was super cute, cheap and easy. I have these really old IKEA frames that I keep re-purposing, and an old Scrabble game (that has now been replaced with the much cooler Scrabble Deluxe) so here's how it looks now:

I felt like I was playing a competitive game of Scrabble all day trying to make different words work. My brain is kind of tired. But on frame #1 we've got LOVE YOU, ALWAYS SMILE, BE BRAVE and frame #2 has ONE HEART, JUST US, LAUGH HARD.

Me likey!

Bravery

2011-09-25T23:59:00.000-07:00

Most days are good. I want to preface this by saying that. But knowing that my itty-bitty baby is having open heart surgery in just a couple of weeks is very anxiety inducing for me. I've had a few rough days this month. Where I just can't stop crying and I'm scared. My emotions are up and down, back and forth, and inside out. I mostly try to stay positive, and I think I'm pretty good at that. But once in awhile the bad thoughts creep in and I feel very overwhelmed and helpless.

I am not the type of person who's ever asked "Why me?" I know things could be worse. But on the hard days, I have found myself asking "Why him?" It's not fair. He didn't get the same start as everyone else. He doesn't know any better and he's so strong and brave, but he's so little. He's so innocent. He's got these cute little crossed eyes with droopy eyelids and I find the adorable scrappiness of it all very endearing, but I know people look at him differently and wonder what is wrong with him. Does it matter? No, of course not. But sometimes it makes me a little sad. Most people who take the time to meet him and ask about him, fall in love with him instantly and see his happy spirit and compliment his beautiful smile. He has a lot of people praying for him. We have a lot of people praying for us. And for that, I'm so grateful. That's all I can ask for at a time like this.

I just want him to be OK. He has become my bestest little buddy, and there's no looking back now. He has to be OK. We simply can not have it any other way. Period.

You know, people say things like "You were given a special child because you are a special person who can deal with it." or "God won't give you any challenge you can't handle." or "Wow, you guys have been so brave. I could never do something like that." But honestly? I never imagined I'd have to do something like this either. I never imagined that at 2 weeks old, my baby would be taken from my arms and sedated and put on a breathing machine. I never imagined that I would see him wheeled past me with his chest cut open in between heart attacks. I never imagined I would see him laying there, almost lifeless, swollen and puffy and looking so much older than he was supposed to. I never imagined that he'd have to live with a heart condition the rest of his life. I never imagined the pain I would see my husband go through. I never imagined my mind could go to such places of hopelessness. And I never considered myself brave.

We only handle it because we have to. What choice do we have? As a mother, what choice do I have? We could mope around all day and feel sorry for ourselves, but it wouldn't do anyone any good. So yes, we will have rough days and crying days and sad days. You need those days. You need to feel that grief to process difficult challenges. But we have to be tough too. Not only for our child, but for ourselves and for each other. Stephen doesn't understand any of this yet (heck, I'm not sure how much of it understand, either.) But it has taught all of us some things about how precious life is and how important family and the support from people around us are. It has taught me to draw strength from a place inside of myself that I never knew existed. It has taught me that people's problems are all relative. And while I never imagined the horror of almost losing my first child, my beautiful boy, I also never imagined the joys I would feel. I never imagined I would consider myself so lucky. I never imagined...

I saw a quote on Pinterest the other day (yeah I'm waaaay addicted) and I thought it was so fitting for Stephen and our family. This will not be his last surgery, you know. He will need several more as he grows. And as he gets older I think it will be more difficult. But I know I will tell him this:

"You have to be brave with your life so that others can be brave with theirs."

I know people who live their lives this way. And when I read this to myself, it brought tears to my eyes. I imagine explaining it to Stevie when he's old enough to understand. Good words for any of us to live by.

We all have challenges.
But we will be strong anyway.

Because we are brave to someone.

9 Months Old

2011-09-23T18:23:00.000-07:00

Baby: One of my favorite noises he makes is a little howl, just like a hound dog. So I couldn't resist getting him this -

It has been a fun month with him. We had a lot less doctor's appointments and that was a nice little break before his upcoming surgery. He is finally sitting up and we didn't have to go to physical therapy (yay!) He can't get himself in the sitting position, but he can sit there for a long time if I set him up. He is getting in position to crawl, just needs to figure out where to put his hands when he pushes off with his feet. Mostly, he's doing face-plants right now, but he's making progress. He can't seem to resist practicing in the middle of the night too. We just see his crib shaking as he rocks back and forth. He is eating lots of new foods and seems to enjoy them all. He's showing a slight interest in toys every once in awhile. Loves to bounce on my lap, but not in the jumper. When he's grumpy, he basically grunts and growls all day long. Tooth #3 is making an appearance.

Parents: Trying to breathe. My husband is working his tail off before taking a hiatus after Stevie's surgery. We enjoyed a wonderful 5 year anniversary together. We are in love with our little family. It's the happiest of days when we have time to just hang out with each other.

Mommy's Thoughts: I am more in love with Stephen every day. I have lots of thoughts lately, as I have had some hard days this month. But I'll save that for one big ol' sloppy blog entry.

Gallery

2011-09-22T22:53:00.001-07:00

I have this one wall. It's hosted a bookshelf and a painting or two. But I never quite knew what to do with it. So after Pinteresting around, I realized immediately that I should do the gallery wall that I've often thought of.

I knew it didn't want it too matchy.

And I knew I did want some pops of color.

So I first started hunting for frames. I quickly built up my collection, and even bought a couple too many (those are going back tomorrow) None of the frames I used were more than $10. And most of them were closer to $5. Thank you Marshall's and TJ Maxx! So this was a cheap project with a big payoff.

The first thing I did was create a photo that would be eye-catching and right in the middle of the pack, to anchor the whole thing. So I spent about 3 minutes in PhotoShop making this and had it blown up to a 16x20:

100% my original

Cute, right? Then I got inspired by (read: copied) a few other wordy things I've seen around the internet to throw into the mix.

100% not my original

The hardest part was choosing the pictures I wanted to display.

So. Many. Pictures.

So I decided to keep them within this last year. As Stephen grows, I can change out the pictures for that year maybe? Or I can add to the wall, since there's a little room to expand on top and bottom. But for now 2011 was all I could deal with. Also choosing what pictures would go in which frame took a good amount of time. Once I decided, I uploaded all the photos that needed to be printed to Costco.com and they were ready the next morning (and only cost me about $25)

Then I googled "How to make a gallery wall". This tutorial was my favorite. There were a couple tips that were quite helpful. I will share them with you, lucky! Like using masking paper instead of butcher paper (so much cheaper!) Also, once you trace all your frames, label them with the photo/size so you get an idea what you're looking at when they're up on the wall. All that brown paper and blue tape start running together after awhile. The tutorial also recommends a laser pointer, but my frames didn't need to line up perfectly, so I did that part by eye.

Stephen napped as I nailed the frames in (unbelievable) and woke up when I crumpled a piece of masking paper (unbelievable) but about $100 later and within just a couple days... VOILA!

My gallery wall is a reality. Hooray! It really adds so much to the house. I can't stop looking at it. And I'm going to hug my wall before I go to bed.

Parental Advice

2011-09-18T10:43:00.001-07:00

On Saturday, I went to one of my oldest friend's baby shower. Not old as in she is old, but old as in I've known her since the 7th Grade. It was awesome to see her all glowing with pregnancy.

We participated in an array of activities, like guessing the belly size, taking a quiz on how well we know mama-to-be, and eating fresh tacos. We also were supposed to write down a few words of advice on parenthood. I don't usually give people advice on parenthood. Because each parent and child are so different and I know sometimes it drove me nuts that everyone seemed to know more than me! As I have learned, I can now take that advice in stride and I am also someone who will give advice, but only if you ask. So here are my tips on parenthood - 8 months into it, I'm a real expert. (Haha!)

1. Make the bath water a little warmer than you think it should be.
2. Don't buy a bottle warmer, but do get a wipe warmer & plenty of binkies.
3. No matter how many cute outfits the baby has, onesies are the best and easiest; they'll be worn 90% of the time.
4. Make time for each other, even if it's 5 minutes during baby's nap.
5. Don't compare your baby to other babies and don't compare yourself to other parents.
6. Invest in a good electric double breast pump.
7. Any arguments after midnight should not count towards your marriage.
8. You will probably end up owning 3 strollers. Accept that and find storage space for all of them.
9. It's OK if you don't use that beautiful nursery right away.
10. Be flexible. Almost nothing goes the way you expect it to.

Ta-daaaaaa!

Swimming Pools and Cheese & Crackers

2011-09-13T12:49:00.001-07:00

Those were my favorite things from our weekend getaway.

We took a quick trip to Palm Springs. We reserved our hotel at the last minute and decided to just GO! It was the only weekend we had available before Stephen's big surgery in October, so we had to jump on it.

Palm Springs is hot. But it's perfect for lounging around.

We spent Saturday doing just that. Our first trip to the pool wasn't great. The munchkin was a big ol' grouch. So we left and got ice cream and went back later. Take 2 was so much fun.

This is me annoyed that we're not having fun.

Ah, that's better!

Back at the room, I gave the little guy a bath while hubby set up a table of cheese and crackers and olives.

We ate and ate and ate. (And then went out to dinner!) (And then we ate oreos!) That night we all slept pretty good. We had the leave the next morning and made a quick run to the outlets on our way out.

Too short, but so so glad we went.

'Member??

2011-09-11T10:20:00.001-07:00

Of course we all remember where we were and what we were doing 10 years ago today. The past 2 weeks I have been watching tons of shows recalling the events of 9/11 and talking about heroes and victims of the day. After so many years, it still takes my breath away seeing the second plane strike the building. It makes my heart sink thinking about all those people who thought it was just another day at the office.

Ground Zero from our trip in Dec '08

This morning, MSNBC played the news report from that day in real time. We heard again the shock as the buildings fell. And saw firefighters running for their lives. People crying on the phone talking about how they could see people jumping from the buildings. Citizens covered in ash and debris. So intense. It was shortly after that when GW made the announcement that we would be going to war. And cheers were heard throughout Times Square. Regardless of how you feel about our former President and the state of war now, he did what he had to do at the time. And people knew that and were in support of it.

Watching the footage in real time made me remember where I was and exactly what I was doing that day. I can't help but reflect on my life at that time too. Much like the US on that day, I was in a state of limbo. I felt unsettled and confused about where I was going. Paul was in my life, but we were living far apart and not sure which way we would go. Shortly after, we had our own little war so to speak.

Man, I'm glad things have changed!! 10 years has flown by and while I still have moments of uncertainty, especially in regards to my son's health, I still look forward to the next 10 years with hope and excitement. I've got my rock and that sure helps.

My favorite of all the 9/11 documentaries was called Rising: Rebuilding Ground Zero. Not only is it an amazing story but its about looking forward while still paying tribute to the past. "Never forget" is the perfect motto, not just for our country, but our lives in general. Never forget what happened. Never forget those we've lost and those who have helped us. Never forget where we came from; our roots. Never forget how far we've come. Learn from our experiences. Continue looking and moving forward.

Never forget how resilient we can be.

Trying

2011-09-08T14:25:00.001-07:00

So I've been doing a little experiment. As everyone knows (because I always complain about it) Stephen isn't the greatest sleeper. He's been getting a LOT better as he gets bigger, but we still have a little ways to go.

In order to rule out that this might be my fault because of something in my diet, I have cut out all caffeine. I had very little to begin with, but I just want to make absolutely sure. This means no Diet Coke and no dark chocolate.

So far, the experiment blows.

Also my computer is down again. Stupid Dell.

The End.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Mommy Faux Pas #5

2011-09-06T18:05:00.000-07:00

Has anyone ever tried taking a baby to a movie and it was successful? I came so close today. SO CLOSE!

I had it timed perfectly. The movie started at 2:50pm. Stevie would go down for his longer nap at about 3. That would give me just enough time to enjoy The Help, right? I mean, we would cut it close toward the end there, but there was a chance this could actually work!!

I showed up late, ensuring that I would see less previews and more movie. They put us in Theater #3. Stephen fell asleep right when we settled into our seats. YES! So far, so good.

But...the previews hadn't started yet. At about 3:15, they moved us all to Theater #6 because of technical difficulties. Dang. This was now cutting it REALLY close. Then they proceeded to play literally 12 previews. TWELVE. So the movie didn't start until like 3:45.

Then just to really rub it in, and make sure this wasn't going to happen - about 20 minutes into the movie, it just stopped playing. And took about 10 minutes to get up and running again.

Sure enough, Stephen was awake by 4:30. I fed him and he stayed quiet for a good little while as he woke up. Then the babbling and spit bubbles began. There were only like 6 other people in there and I was loving the movie so much, I almost stayed. But I felt guilty being THAT mom. So we left. During a really good part too!

But, I tried. And failed.

Oops.

P.S. I miss going to the movies so much.

P.P.S. At least they gave us our money back.

I Want to Ride My Bicycle

2011-09-04T19:52:00.000-07:00

After several years (and I'm not exaggerating about this) of pleading with my husband to get bikes, I just finally just went and got one. This encouraged my husband to get one also. So now we have bikes. Just like that. Sometimes mama needs to take matters into her own hands.

I, of course, had to include Stephen in the excitement. He got a little seat that attaches to the front of my bike and helmet so he can ride along. I have been getting great joy from this. Last night as we rode our bikes down Chandler Path for the first time, I had a big grin on my face and just enjoyed our first little family bike ride so much. The little booger seemed to enjoy it (and the baby did too - hee hee)

The only problem we've run into is Stevie gets sleepy and can't really nap, since there's no headrest. Then he just gets mad. So our two rides have started out well and ended in tears, and we've had to keep them relatively short. But I still love it. A lot.

August Instagr.am

2011-08-31T22:43:00.000-07:00

I bet you didn't know that August was Happiness Happens Month. So every day I found something that made me happy:

Day #1 - Popcorn & Diet Coke

Day #2 - Put Stevie on the swings for the first time

Day #3 - Seeing Stevie watch Elmo so contently
Day #4 - Having NOTHING on my calendar for the day

Day #5 - Having brunch with these dummies :)

Day #6 - Celebrating a birthday

Day #7 - Watching Stevie feed himself his first cracker

Day #8 - Stevie and I slept in until 9am!

Day #9 - Eating a whole bunch of delicious crap at the Ventura County Fair

Day #11 - My traveling buddies

Day #12 - TakingStevie swimming for the first time

Day #13 - Traveling

Day #14 - My crazy family

Day #15 - Adele show with my SIL

Day #16 - Capturing this image (when I thought I screwed up the shoot) Phew!

Day #17 - Some comfy new kicks (for cheap!)

Day #18 - Stevie enjoying his bath SO MUCH. How can this smile not make you happy?

Day #19 - A big spoonful of Cool Whip before bed

Day #20 - Reese's S'mores and a backyard BBQ

Day #21 - Celebrating all my in-laws birthdays at once at Roy's Hawaiian Fusion

Day #22 - Enjoying the last little bits of a beautiful day

Day #23 - Hot cup of tea, in a quiet bed, after a loooong day

Day #24 - Scoring a cute tie-back denim dress with pockets for $15 at the GAP

Day #25 - These 2 goobers competing for my attention

Day #26 - Sharing the best cookie ever with my hubby on his lunch break

Day #27 - Celebrating another August birthday

Day #28 - Finally getting the hang of this dang Crackle nail polish

Day #29 - These Barbie & Ken wedding photos

(Here's the link to see them all: http://www.glamour.com/weddings/blogs/save-the-date/2011/08/real-wedding-album-barbie-ken.html)

Day #30 - This little balloon monkey was just hanging out in downtown Burbank.

Day #31 - No more helmet for Stevie!! Good way to end it.

8 Months Old

2011-08-23T11:00:00.000-07:00

Baby: The most notable thing from this month is the amount of babbling he's doing. He's blowing raspberries and saying "beh, bah, byah". He likes to feel new tooth #2 (bottom middle) with his tongue. He is laughing more and thinks its hilarious when I'm surprised at his coughs or loud noises. We are not much closer to sitting up unfortunately, so we are in the process of getting signed up for physical therapy. I'm sure they will help him better than I can. He went swimming with me twice this month and really enjoyed it (as long as the water is warm enough!) His helmet comes off in just another week or so and we are pretty excited about that. He didn't even have to wear it the full 3 months and his head looks so much better. I can't seem to get him interested in toys much, but he sure likes the iPad, much to my dismay. There is a LOT of Elmo's Song playing around here.

STATS:

Head - 17.5" (30th %)

Weight - 21 lbs 12 oz (75th %)

Height - 27.5" (25th %)

Parents: Husband is still working a lot and that is a blessing and curse all in one. We're glad he has the work, but I know it sometimes overwhelms him that there's SO much to do. He's doing a great job though. And man, Stephen is crazy about him! His face lights up when Baba walks in the room. (No fair!) Just when I start to feel like we are settling into being a mom and dad, something else surprises us. And while it's true that Parenthood in general has been exhausting and difficult in its own ways, we just feel very lucky. We have so much to be grateful for! And we will have the celebration of the year if Stevie ever sleeps through the night.

Mommy's Thoughts: I sometimes wish I could take one day, just ONE DAY, off from pumping. OK maybe two. I know I'll be done with this soon but even I'm a little nervous to stop because of all the free calories! Could I BE more vain...?

Hey Shutterbugs!

2011-08-19T11:14:00.001-07:00

It's World Photography Day and I'm having a little contest on my photography blog - come check it out! No need to be a pro, I just want to see some fun pictures!

Submit photos to: info@photographybyjaana.com by midnight (Cali time)

Tell your friends!

ADELE (Take 2)

2011-08-17T22:00:00.000-07:00

All I can say is "Holy Crap." My new girl crush for sure.

I saw her back in 2009, and of course she was great. But this time, she was even more polished and just plain ol' fabulous. She canceled her show back in June, so when I saw that she was rescheduled for the day that I got back from vacation, I was worried I'd be too tired to go! But I sucked it up and I'm so glad I did. On point with every note, not to mention a great sense of humor and an infectious laugh. I am a smitten kitten. She's so FIERCE!!! (I shake my finger with an attitude when I say that.)

If you don't have her new album 21, get it immediately.

Not Too Missour-able (Get It?)

2011-08-17T21:50:00.000-07:00

Little Steverino and I just took a trip 1,300 miles from home. I would venture to say it was quite a success! Honestly, I was pretty nervous to:

a) take him on the plane for the first time

b) maintain my pumping schedule

c) drive 4 hours in the car with him

d) have him meet his grandpa, great grandpa, second cousins, great aunts & uncles, etc.

e) do all of this without my husband

Thank goodness for sister and mom! They drove from Utah and we all flew out of LAX together. Our flight to St. Louis was delayed 3 hours (!) but to my pleasant surprise the kids were great during that time with all the waiting around. In fact, they were pretty great the whole trip. My nephew occasionally has a hard time listening - keep in mind, he is 3 - and Stevie had a couple meltdowns in the car. But otherwise, everything was exceptional. Like, no joke. We got some good kiddos on our hands.

When we arrived in St. Louis at 2am (!) our hotel room wasn't ready with the roll-away bed and crib we had requested, so they comped us a 2nd room for free. That was a relief because it gave us so much extra space to spread out. A small hotel room with 3 adults, let alone 2 kids, starts to feel small pretty quick. We slept as much as we could that night and after a little lunch at Chic-Fil-A, we headed over to the St. Louis LDS Temple to see my newly married cousin and his bride walk out. It was quite the reunion since pretty much everyone was there and it was splendid to see everyone. My cousin Amy did the wedding photos - check out her website, she is really fantastic. After the official temple pics, we headed over to a big family dinner where they had a slide show and we honored the bride & groom. We caught a swim at the hotel later that night, and I think we officially wore the kids out. Not to mention ourselves. Sleep couldn't come soon enough!

The next day, we tried to leave the hotel at a reasonable hour to do some sight-seeing before we headed southwest to Joplin. We grabbed breakfast at the cutest bakery called My Daddy's Cheesecake and then headed straight for the St. Louis Zoo to ride the train. It's safe to say my nephew is OBSESSED with trains, so we couldn't resist taking him there. One cool thing about the StLZ is that you just pay for parking and the Zoo itself is free. The train cost $5 too, but at least there was no admission fee. More zoos should be like that. After a nice little ride around the area, we traveled over the see the Gateway Arch. My husband and I stopped there when we did our Midwest Roadtrip in 2009, and it was just as cool to see it the second time. Its just an amazing structure. We couldn't ride to the top because the line was extremely long, but we walked around the museum and tried to stay out of the heat whenever possible. I WILL do that one of these days though!

After our quick tour of St. Louis, we started the trek down to Joplin for my cousin's wedding reception. Stevie had a few tragic fits along the way, and my mom was just a huge help tending to him while my sis and I navigated the roads. We were running so late to the reception that a couple people had to change in the car (that in itself was a comedy act) but we made it and enjoyed our evening. I only wish I'd had more time to stop and take some photos of the tornado damage. I got a few shots from the car, but it was sobering to see up close and personal...

The following day was Sunday and we spent it with the family. We all got together for a big dinner to celebrate my Grandpa's 94th Birthday, and it was a blast. Lots of laughs and photo opps. We watched old family videos of us as kids so that was hilarious and embarrassing. It was just a great day overall. My brother and SIL also cashed in on their Christmas gift and had me do a family photo session for them. Besides the heat and humidity, it went perfectly. The scenery by my aunt's house was so pretty! Such a fun, fun day. That night, we had to drive back to St. Louis to make sure we were there plenty early to catch our flight home. All of that went fine - except for the part when we forgot to fill up the rental car with gas!! Who does that?? It cost us a small fortune, but we made it home safe and sound.

I'm so glad we all went. Some great memories were made and it was good practice for traveling with a little one. Time to plan the next trip!

P.S. If you've never pumped breast milk while in the back of a moving car or in the lavatory of a plane? Well, you just haven't lived.

Cath Lab Results

2011-08-02T08:00:00.000-07:00

Cath Lab, Cardio Cath, Heart Catheterization, Angioplasty, Angiogram. It has many names, but it's all basically the same from what I can tell.

Anyway, the results came back as expected. The wee one's heart kind of looks like this:

I found a diagram of a heart online and just sort of filled in the blanks. I did my best to show what issues there are. If you had quizzed me on this stuff a year ago, I would have failed miserably. But now it's such a big part of my life, I just sort of know it. Wouldn't even have to peek on test!

The other issue - not pictured - that they learned about during his first surgery (and confirmed in the cath lab) was that the left coronary artery on the outside of the heart crosses over from the right side instead of coming straight down from the left - called Aberrant LAD Coronary Artery. It doesn't affect the heart's function at all, but is just important to know for his future surgeries so that it doesn't accidentally get cut. That would be bad.

Hopefully having a visual will help people have a better understanding of what is going on in there. Explaining it only in words is so complicated and confusing. I know I didn't understand a darn thing until the cardiologist drew me a picture.

So there you go.

National Ice Cream Month

2011-08-01T15:30:00.000-07:00

I celebrated with a vengeance - 31 different ice creams in 31 Days!

Day #1 - Drumstick

Day #2 - DQ Chocolate Dipped ConeDay #3 - Chevy's Mini Deep Fried Ice CreamDay #4 - Crunch BarDay #5 - Smushed Twix Ice Cream BarDay #6 - Push Pop

Day #7 - Tempura Fried Ice Cream from Octopus

Day #8 - Vanilla Ice Cream with Peach Pie
Day #9 - Lime Popsicle

Day #10 - Dreyer's Chocolate Mint Chip

Day #11 - Choco Taco

Day #12 - Trader Joe's Chocolate Hold the Cone Mini Treats

Day #13 - Magnum Double Caramel Bar (Holy Crap)Day #14 - Dibs

Day #15 - Thrifty's Chocolate Malted Krunch (my all time favorite)

Day #16 - Snickers Ice Cream Bar

Day #17 - Trader Joe's Strawberry Mochi

Day #18 - Cherry Pie A La Mode

Day #19 - Wendy's Classic Chocolate FrostyDay #20 - Klondike Bar

Day #21 - It's-It

Day #22 - Trader Joe's Vanilla Mini Cone

Day #23 - McDonald's Caramel Sundae

Day #25 - Strawberry Soda Float

Day #26 - Haagen Dazs Chocolate Almond Bar

Day #28 - Vanilla Ice Cream with Crushed Butterfinger and Crushed Sugar Cone

Day #29 - McDonald's Vanilla ConeDay #30 - Dreyer's Slow Churn Vanilla in a Sugar Cone

Day #31 - Ice Cream Social to Celebrate the Last Day

I wanted to take advantage of my calorie-burning milk-makin' machines while they lasted. Couldn't think of a better way than to have a daily ice cream treat! ...and now I need to ween myself off!

It was fun while it lasted though (And I lost 2 pounds, go figure!)

Next up: Happiness Happens Month

Still Here!

2011-07-30T13:20:00.001-07:00

Well, as much as I didn't want to sleep here last night, it actually wasn't all that bad. They recently added on to the hospital, and the cardiology department is in a whole new section. The patient rooms are private now, with their own bathrooms. There's a flat screen tv with internet access, a little work station and a couch/twin bed. When I saw the room, it relieved my anxiety quite a bit. Not just for last night, but for our future stay. In September we will probably be here 10 days, and just knowing I won't have to share a room with 4 crying babies, trying to get comfortable on a rickety folding chair - it makes those 10 days seem much less daunting. I was like "I can handle this!"
I still didn't get much sleep since our little friend woke up every 2 hours to eat, but I was glad he had an appetite. And when he woke up at 4am and wanted to play? Well I wasn't thrilled at the time, but it was good to see his happy self.
We were hoping to have an early discharge this morning, but it's 1pm and we are still here. We waited quite some time to get an ultrasound done so he would be cleared for take off. Now that he's done with that (finally!) we are just waiting for those papers that say we can go home! I'm hoping by 3, but hubs just bet me $5 bucks it won't be until after 5. We will see!

*UPDATE: We were out by 2pm. Made the huz buy me lunch. :)

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Update From The Hospital

2011-07-29T18:37:00.001-07:00

This morning we had our normal Cardiology appointment to do his monthly EKG and Echo. I had also been waiting to hear from Children's Hospital on when we would be coming in for Stephen's procedure to clot the aneurysm. The cardiologist took a look at the lump and we all noticed immediately that it had grown. That was a bit concerning, so she called the doctor who would be doing the procedure and they sent us packing to the emergency room.

We were under the impression that it would be fairly quick and we would be home later tonight, so we headed over and just wanted to get it over with. But after about 3 hours of waiting and being told a bunch of different things, we realized we were going to be here awhile.

They finally started the procedure around 5pm and everything went fine. No surprises so far! The procedure was a little different than I expected too. They did sedate the little guy to keep him still for the injection, but they don't actually clot his artery. The artery had a small leak and blood was collecting in that red lump, so they actually clotted that lump to close up the artery wall. And they wanted to do it quickly because it could be dangerous if left too long. Especially at the rate it was growing. So he won't lose that artery like I originally thought. But the red lump will harden and eventually just be absorbed back into the body.

When we saw him after the Thrombolization, he was PISSED. Mostly because he hadn't eaten in 8 hours!! And he was wrapped in a brace to keep him from moving his legs around too much.

I don't think I'll ever get used to seeing him with all these wires and beeping machines. It breaks my heart a little each time because I'm not comfortable with hospitals in general, and to see your sweet little baby like that is hard at first glance.

We will be spending the night here since they want to keep him for observation, which I was extremely disappointed about (add another year to my age!) All I can do is be grateful that things went well and look forward to getting out of here tomorrow. And try to have a good weekend with my little family and our friends. I can't wait.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Surgery Avoided!

2011-07-28T18:13:00.000-07:00

Well things move quickly in the ranks of Children's Hospital. We really do have the best doctors!

We left our cardiologist appointment at 10am and by 2pm, I was on my way to CHLA since they squeezed us in for an ultrasound on the aneurysm. The ultrasound took some time with this little wiggle worm, but in the end they determined that they could avoid surgery by using another procedure called Thrombolysis. Using ultrasound again (to see his veins), they will inject the bloated artery with a medication that will cause the aneurysm to clot. It will harden and eventually just be absorbed back into the body. He will lose that artery, but the doctors are not worried about that. (He's already down two arteries, but seems that the body makes up for it in other ways.)

So we are pretty relieved. He'll have to be sedated during the procedure, but that's so much better than having to go through a whole surgery under full sleep anesthesia.

Seems that the good vibes you all have been sending have helped relieve us from another pickle. I'm reminded of the time his sternum came un-wired and we thought we'd have to do another surgery then. Somehow it corrected itself and no surgery was needed. Talk about lucky!

So as challenging as it seems sometimes, we count our blessings in so many ways, you have no idea!

We Can't Take Anymore Surprises!!

2011-07-28T12:35:00.000-07:00

Stephen had his Cath Lab done last Friday, and the results were what they expected. Which was good news. I was waiting to update until I was clear on the details, so I'll get more into that later.

His recovery from surgery was amazing. He was groggy and grumpy in the hospital, but as soon as they took his wires off and the IV out, he was ready to play. He wanted to roll over and bounce around. I was shocked how quickly he returned to his old self! What a champ.

Here's where the surprise starts:

Last night while he was getting his bath, I noticed a red lump on his leg, right above the incision area. I did a double-take, but wasn't sure if it was new or if I just hadn't noticed it before through the bruising. When the husband got home, he also looked at it and couldn't remember seeing it before. The thing that was weird to him was that you could feel his pulse really clearly if you pushed on the lump. So we called the cardiologist and he wanted to see Stevie first thing this morning. I had a hard time sleeping last night, imagining what it could be.

The doc took a look at it this morning to confirm his suspicion that it was an aneurysm. So basically, the artery where they inserted the cath did not heal properly. Here's your biology lesson for the day... The artery has layers. When all of the layers do not heal, the artery is not held together properly. This is what was causing the lump. The artery walls are weak so its bulging. The cardiologist has done these cath labs 1,000 times and never seen this happen (OF COURSE!) So he referred us back to Stephen's original heart surgeon, who should be able to repair it within the next few days. He assured us that his life is not in danger, so we just need to get it taken care of as soon as we can.

But it's one more surgery. And it kind of makes me sick to my stomach.

So I'm staying positive. I know he'll be fine. But the hardest thing for me is figuring out the difference between my motherly instincts and my brain just being tired and overreacting. It's hard to trust yourself at a time like this. Plus at this point, it's almost comical that he would have another complication. Like someone is messing with us. But I'm confident that he is always in good hands - literally and figuratively. Sorry to be greedy, but I'm going to keep asking ya'll to keep sending your happy thoughts and prayers in our direction. All the support just helps us get through these little hiccups. (And the not so little ones too.)

7 Months Old

2011-07-23T10:19:00.000-07:00

Baby: What a fun little guy we've got on our hands. He is now rolling over both ways. If I leave him alone for a few minutes, I often wonder how he got to where he ended up. Such a little mover. We have been practicing sitting up, but I don't think it will happen right away. Since his eyelids sag, he has to put his head back to see, and that throws off his balance. So it's going to be a tricky one to overcome, but I know he'll get it when he's ready. Anytime he's on my lap, he wants to bounce, bounce, bounce. Even the day of his surgery, as soon as we got all his wires off, he was just ready to play. I was amazed! Like a boss. Everyone who meets him, loves him instantly and even people in public just die over his little baby glasses. His eyes, however, aren't doing great. Now both eyes are crossing, even with the new specs, so that might need to be corrected surgically. Only time will tell. His helmet is helping his head shape though, so that's a relief. His sleep has improved. The last few weeks he's been waking up twice in the night (way better than every 2 hours!!) and he takes a few naps during the day, ranging anywhere from 15 minutes to 2 hours. Life is good.

Parents: We are figuring that we age 1 extra year for every day that we are in the hospital. So his first hospital stay aged us about 10 years and this last one about 6 months. If that's the case, I'm almost 43 now and I must say, I don't care for it! We are quite a team though. We really do pull each other through the tough moments. We seem to balance each other out. When one is overwhelmed the other will carry the load for a bit. Once in awhile, we do have our rough spots as a couple, and when the stress and tiredness gets to us, we snap at each other. Over really stupid things. But we do try to remember the real reason we are annoyed and its not with each other. Apologies and forgiveness come quickly and easily. One great thing we've done for ourselves is move Stephen to a crib at the foot of our bed, and now we get to sleep together! It can be a pain to get the bambino in and out for feedings (and sometimes I'm too lazy to put him back in the crib) But what a great feeling to be back together. Aaaaaaaaaaahhh.

Mommy's Thoughts: Aren't husbands great? This last month, mine has been working a LOT. Several 12 hour days and even a few 16 hour days, along with weekends. There were a few times where I started to feel like a single mom and I gotta give props to those women who do this alone. It was tough! Just not getting that little break at the end of the day made me feel exhausted. So I am really grateful for my husband and all that he does to support me and our little family. And as much as I'm thankful for his amazing work ethic, I'm even more glad when he can be home with us!

Cardio Catheterization

2011-07-21T09:50:00.000-07:00

My anxiety is building a little. Stevie has a small procedure tomorrow called a cardio catheterization, which is sort of like an angiogram or angioplasty (which I didn't know what that was until the doc explained it).

Basically the cardiologist will make a small incision in the groin area and run a tube up through his blood vessels. They will then inject dye through the veins and take an x-ray. This will prepare them for his upcoming surgery by allowing them to see how all the vessels and heart are working. They will also be making sure the heart has no additional holes that need to be patched. It will just show things that may have been missed in all his ultrasounds.

It's an invasive, but minor (?), procedure and we should be going home from the hospital that night or the next morning. They don't expect any complications. But anytime the baby has to be in the hospital and under anesthesia, it's a little nerve-wrecking. And whenever the doctors don't expect complications, I'm reminded of his first surgery when he had major complications.

So just asking you guys to send a couple extra prayers, vibes, happy thoughts, etc. our way that our little buggy boy will be safe and back home as quickly as possible!!

Cali-Bound

2011-07-20T20:22:00.000-07:00

My brother and his wife FINALLY came to visit! They live all the way over in Southern Missouri (close to Joplin) and took quite a road-trip for their vacation. They stopped in New Mexico and Arizona before reaching us and will be stopping in Utah and Nebraska on their way home.

I had so much fun with them here. Of course I got to be the L.A. Tour Guide again (my specialty) and things were a little different with baby in tow. But Stephen was honestly so great as we were out sight-seeing, it was a pleasure bringing him along. I'm convinced that he just loves being out of the house and seeing new things - apple doesn't fall far from the tree!

My SIL has never been to California, so in the short amount of time they were here, we walked around in Hollywood and Santa Monica, they went to a Conan taping (I know - so lucky!), we ate at some of the CA hot spots, and enjoyed playing catch up. They were so awesome with Stevie too, he absolutely adored both of them. One of these days I will get them to stay longer, but this was just a perfect little trip to see where we live and meet their nephew. And the good news is I will be going out their way in a few weeks, so I get to see them again so soon! I'm usually lucky to see them once a year, so twice in one summer is pretty great!

Our impressions of "People trying to be sexy, but they're just NOT". Hahaha, I don't know!

Woo-hoo!

2011-07-16T22:49:00.001-07:00

Hey everyone! I just sat up for a whole 3 seconds. AND I rolled from my belly to my back about 6 times. It was quite the exciting day around here!

P.S. Mom's computer is back up and running. Thanks, Dad!

Save Me Geek Squad!

2011-07-13T22:26:00.001-07:00

Fourth of July was the dreaded day. I downloaded some pictures from my phone to back them up and CRASH! went my computer. Still don't know why, but Windows took a dive and needs to be reinstalled. My husband is tech support around these parts, but he has been so busy with work (getting-home-at-2am-busy) that he's barely even glanced at my computer. Its not like I have all that much to share, it's just weird not having my stuff readily available. I can't edit photos or visit many websites. All my online interaction is through my iPhone and some things just aren't practical that way. So I'll be up and running eventually, but for now I'm reading your blogs and checking Facebook on this little screen.

As for my sweet boy, he got his first little sickness - enteroviral infection - so the doc put him on an altered diet for a few days, but he really seems fine. They say it will get worse before it gets better, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that's not the case. I guess it was bound to happen with all the kids he's around in the doctor's offices.

On a different note, the weather in LA has been incredible. We had a week of hot, humid weather but the last few days it's been in the low 80's. Quite unusual for July, but I'm absolutely LOVING it. Again, I'm reminded why I love living here.

Had to sneak In a few pics of the buggy boy...

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Mommy Faux Pas #6

2011-07-05T10:00:00.000-07:00

Stevie has been sleeping in a Pack N Play at the foot of our bed. We needed to give each other some space. At about 2am, I usually pull him back into bed with us for a quick bottle and we all go back to sleep.

This time, hubs and I fell back asleep, but the little guy had other plans. He spent some time rolling around until he reached the foot of the bed and... fell off. He didn't fall far, because he landed on the footboard, in between our mattress and the Pack N Play. But it still shook us all up.

I've never seen my husband move so quickly from a dead sleep. I'm not sure I've ever seen him move that quickly ever!

Oops.

6 Months Old

2011-06-30T12:52:00.001-07:00

Baby: He has been a busy one. As you know, he got his helmet, got his glasses and now is cutting his first tooth! (Needless to say, he hasn't been the happiest camper, but gosh darn if he just isn't the most adorable little turd.) He is rolling over easily from his back to his stomach, but can't quite figure out how to go the other way. He gets pretty irritated when he's stuck on his belly. He smiles all the time (sometimes even in the middle of crying he can't help but turn those lips upward). He is laughing at Mommy's silly noises. He is ticklish all over, but doesn't love being tickled. He gets all tense and doesn't know whether to laugh or cry. Enjoys just chilling on our laps once in awhile. We are not going to talk about his sleep (or lack thereof).

STATS:

Head - 17" (25th %)

Weight - 19.5 lbs (75th %)

Height - 26.5" (50th %)

Parents: We are ready to get this guy in a crib or something. Still sleeping in separate quarters, but we're making it work somehow. We know it's temporary, that's how we do it day to day. But I think this weekend we're gonna try letting him sleep in his own area to test it out. After his next surgery, I have the intention of putting him back in our bed if he needs it (although I'll probably need it more). But that's still 3 months away, so we need to get him out to keep our sanity! Since the baby is doing so well, we are a little more comfortable going out and doing things on our own once in awhile. We even saw a movie and a concert last week, so it's nice thinking those kind of things might be more frequent in the months to come. And after all the madness of this year, we are already looking forward to 2012. This year can just be over, thanks.

Mommy's Thoughts: I've had a few friends get pregnant in the time that the baby has been around. And with all the difficulties we've had with our little one, you might think I'd feel sorry for these parents-to-be. I was telling my hairdresser all the little (and not so little) things we've been dealing with and she said "Wow. You're not really selling me on the whole kid thing!" I agreed that I'm not exactly the poster-child for having babies. But as other parents know, the joy these little tykes bring you more than makes up for any struggles they put you through. So even at their worst, you love them. And you never want anything bad to happen to them. So much in fact, that I not only don't feel sorry for new parents, I'm actually excited for them! Stoked, even. It's a journey, that's for sure. And you never know what hand you'll be dealt. But man, what awesome rewards you get for being responsible for these little beings. Seriously. And sure there are days where I don't exactly enjoy being in Mommy Mode, but overall, being a parent rocks. Hard.

Road Trip

2011-06-28T14:40:00.000-07:00

We had a plan.

My husband got 2 weeks off from work. We were gonna go to Southern Utah to visit the family for the weekend and then spend (at least) one night in Vegas so we could take advantage of the warm weather lounging by a fabulous pool.

Our plans changed.

The season premier of Gene Simmons Family Jewels did so great in the ratings that the network spontaneously wanted to add more episodes, thus calling my husband back to work a week early. A blessing and a curse all in one. So instead of relaxing in the sun, my poor husband is stuck in an office and will probably be working really long hours. And I'm just home tending to poopy diapers and waiting for doctor appointments.

I swear we always get the best pictures in my Mom's backyard. It has perfect light!

It's OK. We still squeezed in our little road trip to Utah. And we had such fun on our mini vacation. (Plus I made my husband promise he'd make it up to us later with a weekend trip to Palm Springs or San Diego or something.) The traffic getting to and from Vegas was atrocious, but once in UT, we enjoyed ourselves quite a bit. Maybe too much. And you know when I say that, I'm mostly talking about food - BBQ steak, burgers, homemade spaghetti, oreos, chocolate cake, s'mores - oh, it gives me a stomach ache just thinking about all the food we took in this weekend. But that's beside the point! The family fun time was great too. It was fantastic just to get away from it all for a couple days.

Loves his Mümmi (that's Grandma in Finnish)

Stevie had the best time with Mümmi & PopPop. They are so sweet with him. They even baby-sat so we could take the cutest nephew in the world to see Cars 2. Hubby and I thought the plot was really complicated, and the 3 year old just LOVED it. Go figure. He said "Tomorrow we are going to see Cars 3!" He just couldn't wait. It was so cute. I had a great time with my sissy too. We are planning a girl's trip for August to the Midwest and I'm really looking forward to that! This mini vacation was a grand slam for sure. Now that we know the baby can handle the long car ride, I hope we get to do it lots more!

After a good read.

Playing in the sprinklers

At 5 Guys

Nephew with Sissy / Stevie with Brosef

Today

2011-06-23T19:58:00.000-07:00

Today was a big day for the little guy. He got his helmet, he got his glasses and he turned 6 months old! Hard to believe. In some ways, I feel like there is no way he's 6 months old - that went by so fast! But in other ways, I see him as much older - probably just because he's been through so much in the short amount of time he's been with us. A lot has happened in the last 5 and 1/2 months, and they've been kind of long months. What a little trooper.

Slightly pooped after the long day!

So far, he hates the helmet but loves the glasses. Probably feels pretty good to see. And I'm sure he likes being a 6 month old. So 2 outta 3 ain't bad.

Daddy's Hands

2011-06-19T21:15:00.000-07:00

When I think of my husband becoming a father, two images stand out in my mind.

The first is the way he looked at Stephen when he was first born. He was so amazed by this little creature and sort of in disbelief that we created something so perfect. He took great pride in his mini-me and becoming a daddy came so naturally to him.

The second is the way he handled everything while Stephen was in the hospital for his heart surgery. There were moments of despair and anger. There were moments of comfort and support to me. There were tears as he saw our baby struggle. There was joy in his eyes when we got good news. His heart ached and he worried for Stevie's future, but he never, ever let it get the best of him. He was a pillar of strength and was determined to keep the little one safe and do whatever needed to be done. That's why I love this picture so much. Those hands provided assurance and comfort in a time of uncertainty.

And the way he looks at Stephen now and interacts with him and awes at him, well it would just melt your heart. He is the ultimate daddy, through and through. I couldn't have picked a better man for the job.

Happy Father's Day to a man who truly deserves it.

We CAN Be Spontaneous!

2011-06-19T20:39:00.000-07:00

Friday afternoon, I get a text from my husband:

Him: Wanna see U2 tomorrow night in Anaheim?

Me: Um, yeah!?? What time, how, why?

Turns out an old co-worker of his was selling his nose-bleed seats, and we were more than happy to take them off his hands! Thank goodness I have a sister-in-law who lives close by and loves Stevie time more than anything else. She's the only baby-sitter I trust. And since she was available, we got to enjoy a great date night to a pretty rockin' band.

I've seen them one other time several years ago and if you've ever been to a show, you know its quite a treat. The stage was insane - so elaborate. The whole time I couldn't stop wondering how they put it up and take it down. It was like a crazy space ship. So cool. The setlist was great. I was worried I wouldn't know as much of their new stuff as I should, but they played tons of old songs and I heard almost all my favorites.

But as much fun as we had, we committed the ultimate sin for concert-goers and left before the encore *GASP* I have never done this before. But we are old and we got tired and we were missing the little one and we wanted to beat the traffic... So we booked it after Walk On. Aren't we so lame? Ah, at least we went out I guess.

Here's the goods:

Even Better Than The Real Thing

The Fly

Mysterious Ways

Until The End Of The World

One

Where The Streets Have No Name/All You Need Is Love

I Will Follow

Get On Your Boots

I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

Stuck In A Moment You Can't Get Out Of

Beautiful Day/Space Oddity

Elevation

Pride (In The Name Of Love)

Miss Sarajevo

Zooropa

City Of Blinding Lights

Vertigo

I'll Go Crazy (If I Don't Go Crazy Tonight)/Discoteque

Sunday Bloody Sunday

Scarlet

Walk On/You'll Never Walk Alone

Encore: Ultra Violet (Light My Way), With Or Without You, Moment of Surrender/Jungleland

See? A totally sing-along-worthy set of songs! We may or may not have done a little dancing too. And we DID hear the first 2 encore songs on the way to the car, so we didn't miss THAT much. Don't think of me differently, ok?

Lazy Eye

2011-06-14T18:33:00.000-07:00

Today we went to a new ophthalmologist for Stevie. I decided to find a new eye doctor when it took the last one over a week just to return a phone call. I wanted to bring him in and they had no appointments available for 3 months. She was just way too busy. And when there's something I'm concerned about, I don't want to wait a week or 3 months or 6 months. I want to get it taken care of ASAP. So off to the new guy.

There aren't many pediatric ophthalmologists in LA (the one thing we don't have an abundance of) so we drove about 30 minutes to Arcadia. When I first arrived at the office, I was already annoyed. The bug had a rough morning, so he was grouchy and the place seemed a little crowded. They wanted me to fill out {more} forms, he was fussing and I was just overwhelmed and tired in general. When we got into a room, the nurse asked a bunch of questions (that I had just answered on the forms) and then we waited.

To my sweet surprise, the wait wasn't that long, and the doctor was a really nice, older guy. You can tell he's been doing this for awhile. He quickly and sweetly looked Stephen over and we talked about my concerns. They dilated his eyes for the exam and we waited about 20 minutes before the actual eye exam.

I was shocked how smoothly it went. If you remember the last one, it took 4 people to hold the baby down as he screamed his lungs out while the doc examined him. This time it was just me and the doctor, no tears. He used little tricks to make the baby look where he wanted instead of forcing his head one way and his body another - and it was just a huge relief! At that instant Dr. Fierson won me over.

The diagnosis for the little guy is that he is extremely far-sighted, more so in his right eye. Plus the ptosis is covering his right eye enough that it is making it lazy - because he is not using it to it's full potential, it's not developing properly. Baby glasses will be here in about a week. He tried them on in the office and boy, did he look cute. We will also have to patch his good eye for 2 hours a day to force his bad eye to do some work. We'll see how he likes that!

They'll look kind of like this! (Just smaller and blue)

So between his helmet and glasses, we will have the cutest little nerd on our hands this summer.

Mommy Faux Pas #4

2011-06-10T11:32:00.001-07:00

I'm about to post something that LOOKS horrifying. But it's not.

My son has legs of steel. If he is awake, they are moving. Constantly.

Knowing this, I decided to sit next to him on the couch anyway with my morning fruit shake. We got a bit too close and he kicked the cup right out of my hand.

Luckily it was mostly on me and didn't ruin the couch or carpet!! The baby may or may not still have raspberry seeds stuck between his toes.

Oops.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Christening

2011-06-07T16:34:00.000-07:00

Religion can be a hot topic of debate when a husband and wife come from two different backgrounds. Luckily my husband and I are of the same mold, where the religion isn't as important as the morals our child grows up with. If you had asked me years ago if I would let me son get baptized in any other church besides Mormon, I would have said "No way. I won't baptize my kid until they are old enough to decide for themselves what they want." But leave it to falling in love, learning about compromise, and evaluating what is most important in my life to change all of that.

The Armenian Orthodox religion is one of the oldest in the world. But more important than the religion itself is the tradition that has run through Paul's family for generations upon generations. So when the topic of Christening the baby came up, there was no argument from me. This was for the sake of tradition. And my mom very wisely pointed out to me that "Hey, it can't hurt anything." And ain't that the truth.

So on May 28th, our little baby was brought into the fold, so to speak. We invited our families and closest friends to witness the big day and it really was special to have everyone together for the occasion. Stevie wore his Sunday best to the church (which included his red Chuck Taylors), and was on his best behavior. I didn't understand much of the ceremony because it was in Armenian (or broken English that I couldn't quite make out) but the basic jist included a lot of prayer and blessings for the baby. The priest blessed the water and the oil that he was anointed with, and then the little guy had his big moment. We undressed him and took him to the baptismal font and he pretty much had a meltdown. I think when they rubbed oil on his lips, he tasted it and freaked out. But either way, he was pretty ticked. After the actual baptism, we changed him into his little Christening outfit - kind of like a little baby tuxedo - and showed him off to everyone. Cue the swooning and giggles from the audience. We had a couple photo opps and were outta there. We celebrated with everyone at an amazing luncheon hosted by hubby's Aunt. And the day was just perfect. I'll post more pictures when I get them from the photographer.

The biggest treat for me was that my family made the trek (and a lot of rearrangements) to be in attendance. We are so grateful for all the support we've been given with this little bug and I'm glad I chose to partake in this experience. Now my son has a Godfather and Godmother who will always be on his team, plus the countless aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, etc who love him unconditionally. We really are blessed, regardless of religion. Or lack thereof.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

2011-06-07T12:20:00.001-07:00

One of the sad things about pregnancy ending is that the gorgeous hair you were sporting starts to fall out. Like, a lot. I couldn't deal with finding hair EVERYWHERE (shower, bed, couch, baby's fingers & mouth) so I chopped it off. Bye bye locks, I'm sure we will meet again one day.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Star Tours 2.0

2011-06-03T14:54:00.000-07:00

Does anyone else remember how AWESOME Star Tours was when it first opened? I remember as a kid riding it over and over and over again. I came off the ride with big excited eyes and just couldn't wait to do it again! As the years went on, that excitement diminished quickly. It got to a point where I didn't care if I rode it again. It was one of my last priorities while at the park.

Well, not anymore!

The new Star Tours opened today, but I was one of the lucky fans who got to ride a couple weeks ago before it opened to the public. I showed up to Disneyland before the park opened (which was a thrill all in itself to see the place completely empty!) and waited with 999 other people for the revelation that was Star Tours: The Adventures Continue.

It was really similar to the old ride. But way awesomer. Yeah, I said it - AWESOMER. Its in 3-D this time around, but what I didn't know at the time is that there are like 50 different ride combinations, so each trip will be a little different. That was so smart of them to keep the ride fresh and keep fans coming back for more.

I know I'll be back to see where Star Tours takes me next!

5 Months Old

2011-05-30T23:27:00.000-07:00

Baby: What a little stinker! Well, not all days. Yesterday his poop smelled like cookie dough, no joke. He is working so hard on rolling over. He's done it once from his back and once from his stomach, a few days ago. Not a mastered skill yet, but we're getting there. He is smiling and talking all the time. When he gets hungry, he doesn't cry as much as he shouts. He wants that bottle now, dangit! His sleeping patterns are still crazy, but a couple nights a week, he'll do really good and only wake up 1-2 times for food. The rest of the nights are still rough, but we are seeing slight improvement. He loves his jumper for about 15 minutes at a time. Rattles have become my best friend to calm him down. He will be getting his helmet in a couple weeks, so that will be funny to see I'm sure. He has eaten sweet carrots a couple of times and it is the cutest thing. I still mostly feed him boob juice though. He is a big boy. Everyone is surprised when I tell them he is 5 months old. See the stats for yourself!

STATS:
Head - 16 1/2" (20th %)
Weight - 18 lbs (80th %)
Height - 26" (50th %)

Parents: We have been a little stressed to say the least. Papa is working his tail off to make sure we are taken care of. His normal work hours are 11am-8pm, but all the time that he's home is spent working on other projects. Literally. He gets up early and stays up late to work from home. He is a dedicated man. And he is counting down until this year is OVER and all the procedures and surgeries are done for a little while. Hopefully it will help us feel more settled and relaxed. He also wants to spend more time with his baby! It's hard for him, I know. I can tell you this, we are both ready for a vacation. Nothing major, just a little time away.

Mommy's Thoughts: This week it hit me how different life has become. It's not a bad thing, it's just different. I sometimes have to take a little time to mourn the loss of my old life and being able to do whatever I darn well pleased. I can't go to a Conan taping when a friend has tickets. I can't go to happy hour at Bouchon with a baby. It takes a LOT of rearranging to make certain little things work. Everything is about him. He dictates where I can and can't go. Sometimes I don't like that. But its true what they say, he gives you a little smile or does something to make you proud and all of a sudden it's ALL WORTH IT. The way you look at life is totally different with this little bug depending on you. So I miss out on some fun things, but I have different kinds of fun things happening around me every day. Like I said, what a little stinker.

Surgery Date Set

2011-05-25T19:02:00.000-07:00

Today we had our consultation with the amazing and brilliant and wonderful Dr. Wells, who performed the baby's first heart surgery, and basically saved his life - not only from the heart condition, but also during the complications in surgery. He acted quickly and seeing him today reminded me how grateful I am for him. He remembered little Stevie right away because he gave them such a scare. The doc said his heart dropped after surgery when the little guy kept going into cardiac arrest. He reiterated how dang lucky we are that he is here today!!

So we are set to go at the end of September. We initially thought we'd be going in June/July, but there are a couple benefits to waiting, basically just letting the munchkin get that much bigger and stronger. Just as a refresher, this surgery will be to repair the hole in his heart and put a new pulmonary valve in place. It won't be his last surgery, but they are expecting the new parts to last until he's 3-5 years old. There are a few things we will need to do between now and then, but I am honestly a little relieved to put it off for a couple more months. The first thing huz & I did was look at each other and say "OK, now we can take a little vacation this summer!" It will be so nice to spend some time as a family and get out of town for a few days and unwind before the big event. I'm thinking somewhere with a killer pool...

Anyway, the appointment went well and the surgeon had nothing but positive things to say. They've done this surgery thousands of times and don't anticipate any problems, especially with how well Stephen is doing.

To infinity and beyond!

I don't know, it just seemed fitting.

Tornado Watch

2011-05-24T18:18:00.000-07:00

What a weekend we had. It started out all fun and games with a photo shoot, dinner with friends, a great day at the CA Strawberry festival... and ended in a way I never expected.

Of course, you have seen the news. Joplin, Missouri was hit by the deadliest tornado in US History. At least since they started tracking tornadoes 60 years ago. Normally I would see this, watch the news for a moment, say a quick prayer for the people in trouble, make a little donation, and move on with my day. But I have been obsessed with this particular tornado. I haven't turned off CNN since I heard about it on Sunday night. The only thing that could pull me away from the Real Housewives was my own version of Tornado Watch 2011.

You see, a lot of my family live in Southern Missouri. They live about 20 minutes from Joplin but they go there several times a week, as that is the town closest to them with all the stores and restaurants. When my husband and I went to visit, we stayed in Joplin to be close to everything. And now the town is gone. It is demolished.

Thank the good Lord that my family is all safe and accounted for. But with more storms headed their way tonight, it leaves an eerie feeling inside.

The person most affected directly by the tornado was probably my dad. He was in Joplin at the time preparing for a church meeting. When they heard the tornado overhead, he and 7 other people hid in a bathroom. The church literally got torn to shreds around them. They saw the roof get ripped off and it started raining on them. His van was crushed by the falling building. He was hit in the head with some bricks. And I find it a bit of a miracle that all 8 people walked away with only minor injuries. {Insert huge sigh of relief here.} His story made ABC4 News out of Salt Lake. These are a couple pics from his cell phone:

My brother also lives in the area, quite a bit closer to the damaged parts of town. After ducking the storm in a grocery store, he drove around looking for people and trying to help. He even came upon a fallen tree in the middle of the road, pulled a SAW out of his car and started to chop it up. Other people saw this, joined in and they had the tree cleared in no time. I couldn't get over the fact that he even had a saw with him in his car. He's kind of a bad ass that way. I love that about him.

Now comes the really interesting (and even a little cheesy) part for me. My thoughts have been very consuming during all of this. To put it plainly, my dad and I don't have the best relationship. In fact, I don't think we've even spoken, besides text messages, in about 2 years. I know its totally cliché to wait for a tragedy like this to start thinking about how short life is and how much time is wasted, but that's what I've been doing.

The last couple of years I've put a lot of thought into our relationship and for a long time, I was fine with leaving it as it was. I feel like I tried really hard for a lot of years to make him care and I had all but given up. I was sick of being the one who made the effort all the time. I even had a heart to heart with him and told him I wanted our relationship to get better, and it actually got worse. So I had accepted that, and I was willing to be as stubborn as he was. If he wasn't going to call, then neither was I. And that was that. Besides, now I had my own family and responsibilities to worry about.

But thinking that he could have died the other day really changed my perspective. If he had gone and I was left with the guilt of giving up on him, I don't think I could have lived with myself. So regardless of his attitude about our relationship and how few times a year he contacts me, and how many broken promises there are - I'm going to make an effort. It's not easy for me, and even now, my resistant side is coming out saying, "Well HE needs to do something". And to be honest, there is only so much I'm willing to do at this point and I am still angry with him. But I have to let some of that go, because I can't control what he does. I can only control myself and my reaction to him.

I also want to be a better sister, daughter, cousin, friend, etc. My family lives very far away and we always use that and how busy our lives are as an excuse to why we may not keep in very good contact. But if something happened today or tomorrow or 10 years from now, I want to know that I made the best effort possible and that all these people know I love them.

So that's my revelation during all of this. I just hope I'm not the only one who saw the light.

As a side note, please take the time to make a donation to help the victims in Joplin. The are estimating the damages in that small town to be about $3 billion (so far). Every little bit helps. See ways to help here: http://www.cnn.com/2011/US/05/23/joplin.how.to.help/

Thanks for listening.

Doc Band

2011-05-17T16:07:00.000-07:00

"What?! You went over my helmet?!" - Dark Helmet (Spaceballs)

With all the helmet talk today, I can't help but think of Rick Moranis.

Anyway, yes. The little guy had a consultation today to see whether or not he will need a helmet (called a Doc-Band) to correct his crooked little adorable head. It's called Plagiocephaly. They did a photo study and then had a therapist analyze him. As you can see in the pictures below, the left side of his head has a little bulge, while the right side is rather flat.

Click photo for company website and more info on the condition

It is causing a slight misalignment of the ears, and in the future could cause some jaw or vision problems. His case is considered Moderate - not mild, but definitely not severe. The Doc-Band is not a total necessity. The therapist gave us the pros and cons and now we have to decide what we want to do. We are going to see if insurance will cover any part of it (the helmets run over $2000 typically), but right now we are thinking it would be beneficial, just to avoid any future problems.

The good thing at this stage of the game is, he is young and will most likely only need to wear it for 2-3 months. So by the time he's 9 months old, he'd be done with it. Also, they don't think it will get much worse. As long as I keep repositioning him and continuing tummy time, there won't be a huge change. The tough part is his appointments would be every single week. It's only about a 25 minute drive (traffic-free) but its definitely a commitment. And with his upcoming surgery, we'd have to wait until he's out of the hospital and healthy enough to do that. We also didn't want to make a big deal out of it if it was purely for cosmetic reasons, but I think there's enough evidence to support the fact that there could be other repercussions. So we will proceed in due time, after some more discussion and weighing the pros and cons.

Oh, little bugger with all those chins!

Mommy Faux Pas #3

2011-05-09T11:47:00.000-07:00

How do we go away for one night and I take 6+ outfits for the baby and forget pajamas & clean underwear for myself?? Nothing a quick trip to WalMart didn't fix, but still.

Oops.

Rice Cereal, Shmice Cereal

2011-05-08T11:49:00.000-07:00

So as many people know, our baby doesn't sleep. He has started taking regular 1/2 hour naps during the day which is FANTASTIC but nights are still a struggle. He wakes up every 1-2 hours and after 4 months of this, I'm just plain exhausted. I don't expect him to sleep 8 hours or anything, but 4-5 would be nice!

My mom-in-law has suggested over and over that he take rice cereal to keep him full through the night, but I knew he wasn't quite old enough - until now. He's reached the 4 month mark and he weighs enough and he loves to watch me eat, so I talked to the pediatrician and she gave the go-ahead.

You have no idea how excited this made me. I put all my hopes and dreams of a better night's sleep on rice cereal. Rice cereal was going to solve this problem, I just knew it.

So the first couple nights, I spoon-fed him very little just to get him used to it. He seemed indifferent, so when I got desperate for some rest, we went ahead and put some in the bottle before bedtime. I don't think you're really supposed to do that, but I was willing to try anything at this point.

He slept one extra hour.

And now he's super constipated.

Not worth rushing into. Dangit.

April Wrap-up

2011-05-01T21:45:00.000-07:00

April was kind of a great month. Stephen has become more fun and interactive and we're able to actually leave the house without a meltdown. It really makes me happy. Not only are his doctor appointments and trips to the grocery store a million times easier, but we could throw in a few fun things here and there too.

My sister came to visit for a quick weekend trip to take her son to see Thomas the Tank Engine in Fillmore. For those of you who have Thomas fans, you know this is kind of a big deal. The baby and I went with her and some had more fun than others - but all in all it was a lovely day. I had a great time with my sis, just being outside and hanging out. She is great. Wish she could've stayed longer.

The huz had a High School Marching Band Reunion. Yes, he was a band geek. But most of those band geeks have become my closest friends and the reunion was a great excuse for all of us to get dressed up and enjoy a night out. My husband also took the time to make a video with old band footage and pictures for everyone to watch. He did such a great job and of course it was a hit. I didn't even go to High School with these people, but sometimes I feel like I did.

April is also the month of my husband's birthday. We didn't do anything major, but I ordered him breakfast to be delivered (I couldn't muster up the energy to cook!) and then we went out that night with our friends to Gordon Biersch. Oh, I did make red velvet cupcakes though, and they were delicious if I do say so myself. I'm pretty sure he had a good day.

We took our first overnight trip with Stevie for Easter weekend. I was a little anxious to see how he would be in the car for the 3 hour trek to San Diego, but he slept the whole time! It was so awesome. We spent Saturday evening with some of hubby's cousins and it was so fun. It was the first time I've been to their house where there weren't like 25 people there, so it was quiet and relaxing (and of course Stephen charmed the pants off everyone). On Easter Sunday we made our way to see the other side of his family in Dana Point and that was fun too. I was a little on the tired side from lack of sleep in the hotel, so I got a little overwhelmed with all the people giving me "Mommy Advice", but I guess that's just part of what happens when you're a new mom. I have to remember it's all out of love. The food was great and the baby was great, so I'd say the whole weekend was a smashing success. Can't wait to do another overnight trip! I'm way ready for a real vacation...

4 Months Old

2011-04-23T19:31:00.000-07:00

Baby: I think I've pretty much been keeping up with his latest and greatest here. He makes me so proud every single day. We are yet to conquer the sleeping issue, but we'll get there. He really loves hanging out on his play mat and grabbing at the dangling toys. Its hilarious to watch because he gets so focused. He's also started scooting on his back. I haven't witnessed it, but each time I look over at him, he's in a different position or off the mat completely! He hates taking his medicine every day and makes the worst faces or spits it out. His neck is getting stronger. I'm hoping in the next couple weeks he'll have enough control that I can put him in the Bumbo Seat (thanks sis!) He and the cat and have become a little more buddy-buddy. We often find them snuggling in the middle of the night. He always grabs onto me when I'm changing his diaper. Sometimes we just look at each other and smile. Gooooo! Chunky boy - I couldn't even button the top button in this picture :)

STATS:
Head - 16 1/2" (20th %)
Weight - 16 lbs. 6 oz. (50th %)
Height - 24 1/2" (20th %)

Parents: The huz and I haven't shared a bed in quite some time and honestly, it takes its toll. One of us is always on the couch with the baby and we really miss our simple routine of watching Conan and getting caught up before we go to sleep. Not that we argue more or anything, we just miss each other in general. We miss the old us. He's really good about not letting us forget to make a connection once awhile though. He doesn't want us to get used to not spending time together. I agree 100%. We are always happier when we do, its just hard. Its going to take a little more effort and energy now, but its definitely a priority.

Mommy's Thoughts: I've noticed that my boobs have a couple new features. 1) When I sit down, the bottom of my boobs and the top of my stomach roll meet. Must work on my posture! 2) When I run, they not only bounce up and down, but side to side as well. I'm nervous to see what they will look like when I'm done pumping and they are totally drained. Poor things. And poor readers... sorry to talk about my boobs so much.

Some Birthday Luv

2011-04-22T14:37:00.000-07:00

My husband is pretty rockin'. I usually brag about him on our anniversary, but today is his birthday and I feel like bragging about him now.

He's hilarious.

He's hard-working.

This whole "daddy" thing came completely natural to him.

He's patient.

He's understanding.

He knows what the important things in life are.

He cherishes his relationships.

He gets me.

His favorite food is rice. But not just any rice. His mom's. I'll vouch that its delicious, but what a funny favorite food to have, right?

He's good at almost anything he tries.

He's a procrastinator.

He's trustworthy enough that I know he'll get it done eventually.
He thinks big.

He's smart.

He never lets me forget that I'm older than him (only by 3 months!)

He's supportive.

He lets me get away with too much.

He's so darn handsome.

I could go on, but I think you get the idea. I scored big time. Happy birthday, boo.

Hooray!

2011-04-14T21:26:00.000-07:00

Stevie is finally lifting his head! Oh, it is such a relief. I know I can't rush things and I try really hard to be patient with this little guy, but I will be honest - I squealed in delight when I saw him lift it up high like this.

It was amazing once he finally did lift his head, how quickly he progressed in just 2 days. He can lift it so high and is working on those baby push-ups. And this morning he did a 1/2 roll. Now I'm just dying to hear him laugh. He laughs in his sleep and it is the sweetest thing. If he laughs out loud while he's awake, I might just die from cute overload.

Opthamologist

2011-04-12T16:45:00.000-07:00

Little Stevie was so darn good at his appointment today. It was a long 4-hour process and he was a happy boy through most of it. The only time he got upset was the actual eye exam at the end of the day. It took 4 people to hold him down - I held his arms, one doctor held his head, another doctor pried his eyelids open while the Opthamologist actually checked his eyes. He was fighting with all his might, and I'm sure I've never heard him scream quite like that.

I was a bit frustrated at the appointment myself. Not only because it took so freakin' long, but I don't really feel they had anything new to tell me. All the information they shared was basically things I had already learned all about on Google.

He has a condition called Ptosis, which means that the muscles in his eyelids are under developed. He will most likely need surgery to correct the issue. He is a little far-sighted, but that is normal for infants. So they want me to come back in a few months to check that his sight is getting better. At that time, we will probably determine when to schedule the surgery (we'll need to be referred to someone else) and if he might need baby glasses. Right now, she doesn't think he will need glasses, but it's a possibility.

Personally, I was prepared to get the surgery over and done with as soon as possible. But the doc has her reasons why she doesn't want to rush into anything. She feels that the Ptosis is not hindering his sight enough to warrant any immediate drastic measures. As long as his vision is progressing and he can see, we will just have to be patient. I have to watch for cues that he keeps making the effort to see things around him - by lifting his eyebrows and keeping his chin up - those are good signs that his eyes are functioning.

So I should be relieved. And I guess I am in some ways. I just want to give him every opportunity to develop as normally as possible and not have any other reasons for him to be delayed in any way.

This was after they put in the dilating eye drops (before the meltdown!) He opened them up so big! It was really cute.

My li'l love bug.

So Many Appointments

2011-04-06T20:24:00.000-07:00

Last week: Stephen saw the Cardiologist. He had another ultrasound on the heart and an EKG - all is well. His oxygen levels were a little lower than usual, but well within the range they expect. We are still planning on his next surgery for June, but are yet to nail down any details. The doc said we'll probably discuss all that at his next appointment.

This week: Stephen had his 3 month check-up at the Pediatrician. It was mostly good news. We discussed his weight gain (great), his height (still in the normal range) and his head. Oh his little head. When he was in the hospital, they did their best to keep his skull shape normalized, but there was only so much they could do seeing that he was laying down 24/7. Baby skulls are just so pliable and delicate. He still prefers to look to one side rather than the other, too. So what was once a perfectly round little head, even at birth, is now a little lopsided in the back. The doc said "I don't want to overwhelm you with yet another appointment and another specialist, but after some other things settle down, I want to refer you to someone who will put Stephen in a helmet to fix the shape." A helmet. I didn't show any disappointment in her office, but as I walked to the car, I couldn't help but let my eyes well up a bit. Just one more thing. But again, in the scheme of things its not the worst that could happen. He'll still look cute in a helmet.

Next week: Stephen will be going to the Opthamologist to see what we can do about his lazy little eyelids. He has reached the point where he's keeping them open all the time now, but they are still droopy. It's called Ptosis and it basically just means the muscles in his eyelids are under developed. But I have been anxious to get that squared away as soon as possible to make sure that it doesn't hinder his eye development in any way. Whatever needs to be done.

Getting ready for bath time!

It tires me out a little bit just writing about all he has going on. But I try to limit the appointments to one a week, just so I can keep my sanity. He keeps me on my toes, that's for sure. In more ways than one!

Mommy Faux Pas #2

2011-03-25T13:44:00.000-07:00

As I made dinner one night, I realized I was missing a key ingredient. Nothing a quick trip to Ralphs wouldn't fix.

So I popped outside to get the jogging stroller ready, accidentally letting the front door slam behind me. And of course, it was LOCKED.

I basically freaked out because I could hear Stephen crying inside. Rationally I knew he was safe but that didn't keep my from bursting into tears.

Thank goodness for kind neighbors and a fast sister-in-law. She had the extra keys here in about 15 minutes. But I sure felt like a dummy. And the baby didn't let me forget it, either. He was pissed the rest of the night.

Oops.

3 Months Old

2011-03-24T18:01:00.000-07:00

Baby: Has been opening that right eye a lot more, but we are still going to the optometrist in April to make sure everything is OK with the actual eyeball development. I think his eyes will be brown. He is continuing to grow and loves meal-time. Although his favorite time of day is taking a bath! The last few weeks have been a great improvement as far his happiness goes. He's not as fussy and he has been taking little naps. There are lots of smiles and babbles during the day. Still waiting to hear his little laugh though. He all of a sudden enjoys being in the backpack and also likes the jogging stroller (as long as he can sleep during the morning run). He's discovered his hands and I love when I catch him staring at them or sucking on them. Still can't quite get that head up, but pediatrician isn't worried. She said to just continue tummy time.

STATS:

Head - 15 1/2"

Weight - 14 lbs. 3 oz.

Height - 23"

His head and height are only in about the 5th percentile. His weight is in the 50th. Knew there'd be no problems with chunkin' up!

Parents: Will I ever stop complaining about being tired? Well, we still are. The longest he sleeps at night is 4 hours in a row - and that starts at like 8pm. I can't remember the last time I was in bed before 10. The rest of the night, he sleeps about an hour at a time. So yeah, we're still tired. But somehow we are working it out. We are crazy about this little guy and love, love, love to show him off. Daddy talks to him on the phone every day and I'm always taking videos and pictures, so he doesn't miss too much while he's at work.

Mommy's Thoughts: As I mentioned, things are getting a little easier. I also feel like Stevie and I have reached a real happy place. We do share more of a bond over the last few weeks. I love when we play and I can make him smile. Just when I think we are kind of getting on a schedule, he likes to change it up so I'm just learning to be flexible and not control what he does. When I try to control his naps or eating times, it just leads to frustration. So we're just wingin' it... for now. I look forward to watching him grow and learn new things. It's so exciting! I have made a real effort to get dressed every day and paint my nails once a week. Those little things help me feel like a normal person instead of just a tired Mom. And just a side note, I'm sad that he and I don't have any good pictures together. Need to remedy that.

Weekend Haps

2011-03-22T18:29:00.000-07:00

Over the weekend Stevie went to his first birthday party. Of course, to prepare for the occasion, I had to get him a new outfit. I have been really fortunate in the clothing department. Besides the fact that he's either in a onesie or a pajama 99% of the time, I was able to borrow a ton of baby boy clothes from my sister and we got so many little outfits as gifts. I really haven't had to purchase a single thing. But put me in a Baby Gap and I'll be sure to find something.

He looked so cute and was such a good boy at the party. We started out in the Bjorn backpack, which he is becoming quite accustomed to as he gets bigger. I accidentally dropped pasta salad on his head while I was eating though. Haha. When he got tired of that, Daddy held him for awhile and then he laid in the grass on a blanket for a long time, just smiling and babbling to all the passersby. I was so glad he was happy, because it can be so stressful when they have the grumps. His souvenir from the party was this awesome 'stache & glasses.

Later that night, the little guy hung out with his Tati while the huz & I went out with our friends for a birthday celebration. It was fun to be out and I really didn't worry about him all that much. But by 10pm, I was wiped out - and secretly wishing I had been sleeping the whole time we had a sitter. We did have a nice night though and we are really trying to make an effort to not to lose all our social connections just because we're parents now. I'm not going to lie, its kind of difficult being the only ones in our group of friends with a kid. I'm constantly talking about the baby and we just relate to things in a totally different way now. But thankfully our friends love little Stephen and they seem to understand.

Plus, being a parent is just too good to worry much about anything else outside of that.

Mommy Faux Pas #1

2011-03-21T13:34:00.000-07:00

The first couple weeks that Stephen was home from the hospital, bath time was...well, traumatizing. That's the best word to describe it. The poor baby would scream bloody murder through the whole process. Then Gadoo would sit by the bathroom door and meow incessantly. I would be stressed to the max - it was physically painful because I would get so tense in my back and shoulders.

My poor husband usually watched in horror from the sidelines. Until finally, one night I told him "You need to do the bath so you can learn how in case I'm not here". So reluctantly he drew the bath and as he placed the baby in the tub - SILENCE. This time I watched from the sidelines, baffled. Stevie lay in the tub, totally relaxed. Even went as far as to have his leg hanging over the side and almost fell asleep!

I blurted out "What the hell!" and huz insisted that I feel the water. It was quite a bit hotter than I had been making it. And that was the secret to successful baths. The running joke is that I might as well have filled the tub with ice cubes.

Oops.

Good News?

2011-03-16T17:27:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, we had a follow-up appointment at Children's to get the results of Stephen's blood work. The main thing we were concerned about after his surgery was that he might have a clotting disorder. It is extremely rare for babies to clot the shunt, and his body rejected it completely. If you remember, the shunt would clot every 15 minutes and put him into cardiac arrest. So obviously, it was very necessary to find out what the problem is before his next surgery. We want to be fully prepared if other measures need to be taken.

The good news is that he does NOT have any type of clotting disorder! Hooray! All his blood work came back normal, except for the proteins in his liver. Those numbers were a little low, but they suspect its just because he's young and the numbers will go up as he grows. We'll follow up with that one in about 4 months to make sure the numbers increase.

So while this is excellent news, its also a little frustrating because there is still no clear answer as to why his surgery was so difficult. It also makes me nervous for his future surgery just because it will go on as planned with no special revisions. What if his body rejects the new valve or something? We still have a few months to prepare, but whenever I think about it, I can't help but feel slightly uneasy. I have to remember that he's working with the best surgeons out there and they are quick on their feet. They knew what to do when they ran into complications last time, and they'll know what to do if, God forbid, anything happens this next time too.

Can't help huggin' and kissin' this cute little bug all the time!

No doctor appointments next week (yay!) but he'll be back to the cardiologist the week after. We suspect that check-up will go beautifully as always.

A Little Relief

2011-03-09T22:36:00.000-08:00

The last two days, we have been in much better spirits around here. Hope I don't jinx it by bragging!

Stevie has taken naps!!

At first, I wondered if maybe something was wrong with him. He was actually sleeping during the day? For more than 10 minutes? And 3 times at that?? I imagined he must be feeling sick... and hopefully nothing worse. I couldn't help but monitor him closely as he rested, just to make sure. Everything seemed fine, so by the next nap, I got smart and got a little sleep myself.

Oh my goodness, what a difference that 45 minutes made.

The rest of the day I felt energized and I wanted to spend time with him, instead of being frustrated with him. We smiled at each other and babbled to each other and just enjoyed the rest of the day. I didn't even care when he pooped on me. Plus I was able to get a few of my own things done, so I am feeling good.

He must have known I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and just gave in. Thank you, baby. Thank you.

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One Last Shot...

2011-03-03T20:02:00.000-08:00

So let's talk about breastfeeding. One of my least favorite topics - probably because I never quite mastered it.

When I brought bitty home from the hospital, he definitely struggled with breastfeeding right away. My pediatrician knew he wasn't getting enough food, so she asked me to supplement with formula. I did that one time. I cried and cried as I gave it to him. This was not in my plans.

At 10 days old, I went to a Lactation Support Group. The specialist explained to me that the breastfeeding was difficult because A) he was a hand-sucker in the womb and B) he had a high pallet, which made him feel like he was choking when he'd eat. (It was also a side effect of his heart condition, but obviously we didn't know that until after the fact.) So she gave me some tips on massaging his gums and on different ways to hold him to make him the most comfortable. It helped a little, but I scheduled a one-on-one consultation with her to get really good at it.

The day of my one-on-one appointment, we wound up in the hospital.

After surgery, he had to take a bottle. Obviously he got very accustomed to that. It was all my milk that they were storing for me, but we didn't really have a choice as his little body healed. Once he was finally off all the wires and tubes, we tried breastfeeding and he seemed to pick it up right away. Oh my gosh! So exciting. But as the days went on, he got less and less interested in it and I ended up giving expressed milk all the time. I would offer the boob and he would typically reject it. And by reject it, I mean he would scratch and punch and get himself all worked into a tizzy until he could barely breathe, he was so mad.

So back to the Lactation Support Group. She helped me again and even suggested bottles that were more similar to breastfeeding. So I got those and I really tried every day to get him to nurse. We actually saw some improvement and he once ate for 15 whole minutes. He would still need a bottle afterward, but he did the initial work and it made me very hopeful. However, once again, as the days went on, he just became disinterested.

I continue to pump, but as he has grown, I have had a hard time keeping up. Yesterday I gave him formula for the second time because I just didn't have enough milk. It made me so sad!! I don't think mothers who give their kids formula are bad or wrong in any way, but I had my plan and this was not it! It also doesn't help that for some reason, all the milk I was storing in the freezer went sour.

So now, almost 3 months into it, I am on my last attempt. I bought Mother's Milk Tea and Fenugreek Herbs which are both supposed to help with milk production and I will continue to give him the natural stuff as long as I possibly can. But I won't lie, the pumping is getting tiring and so is the fight. So please send your happy thoughts my way as this nursing thing (or lack thereof) is on its last leg.

2 Months Old

2011-03-01T11:55:00.000-08:00

We're actually going on 10 weeks old! So crazy.

Baby: Has been working on opening both eyes. His right eye has an issue, but we're seeing improvement all the time. Has gained over 3 pounds and grown 4 inches since birth. He will hold up his head pretty good while upright, but totally hates tummy time and has to work really hard while lying face-down. Sometimes he is working so hard, that a fart will slip out. That always makes me laugh. Still struggles with breastfeeding. I haven't given up yet, but I've come close. Feedings are no fun when I'm facing rejection every 2 hours! Recently started LOVING the bath. He is smiling and cooing after his belly is full. Likes just laying on the floor and taking in his surroundings. Those are my favorite moments and I love to talk to him and see his reactions. When I rock him to sleep, he always finds the collar of my shirt and holds on for dear life.

STATS:

Head - 14 1/2"

Weight - 11 lbs. 4 oz.

Height - 22 1/2"

He is in about the 20th % for all of the above.

Parents: Tired of course! We've been taking shifts and co-sleeping with baby on the couch. We sleep there during nap-time and nighttime. It's the only way anyone can get rest. And he looks so sweet all snuggled in my chest, my heart melts just a little bit. Hubby usually takes the evening shift from like 11pm to 2am so I can get a few hours of consecutive sleep. But he got a really bad flu, so we just had to work it out and I've been with baby a LOT the last few days. Praying we don't catch what he had! When he and I are frustrated in the middle of the night, we have had a couple arguments - but decided that anything said between midnight and 6am doesn't count towards the relationship. You can't take things personally when you are being tortured. We are also too lazy to dress baby in anything but onesies.

Mom's Thoughts: After the kid's hospital stay, I have had my moments of paranoia - even paged the doctor late at night just in case. I feel like the time we missed together and the intense fear that I had of losing him caused me to detach a little and it interfered with our bonding. But its always reassuring when the doctors say how great he's doing. I worry less and less every day about his condition. And baby and I have our moments where we can't get enough of each other. Today I went jogging for the first time in probably 10 months. It felt good and I'm hoping I can work it into my days on a regular basis somehow. Kind of sad to still see all these stretch marks though. No amount of exercise will help those suckers!

This is Hard!

2011-02-25T12:48:00.000-08:00

I always thought I was born to be a mother. I never worried too much about a career, because I was going to be a mom. And a great mom at that! I was going to be patient and loving and awesome! Its amazing that just a couple of hard days can make you second guess your abilities like crazy... and that has been really challenging for me. How could I be so sure I'd be good at something, and then feel like maybe I'm not?

The boy doesn't sleep.

Recently, his naps during the day have become few and far between. He's exhausted and cranky, but JUST. WON'T. SLEEP. Yesterday his naps totaled an hour and a half. I never knew little babies could even go that long without sleep, but apparently they can. And when its my day's mission to get him to sleep (so that I can sleep or get things done), its annoying that he won't. Please don't judge me, but I actually yelled at my 2 month old. Yeah, I yelled at him to PLEASE STOP CRYING! YOU'RE BEING SUCH A JERK! As if he can help it or even understand my frustration.

He's not always unhappy. For large portions of the day, he smiles and coos and its the sweetest thing. But when he's crying and uncomfortable, it's really hard. I can't put him down even to use the bathroom without him breaking into a fit. He hates the carseat, stroller, swing, sling. He just wants to be held.

My husband pointed out that the main source of my frustration is probably sleep deprivation. 2-3 hours of sleep at a time, plus no naps makes a cranky lady. And I'm positive that he's right. But sleep or no sleep, I keep worrying that I'm missing the enjoyable parts of this experience. It's supposed to be fun, right? And all I can think is how hard it is. And it makes me feel guilty.

Everyone keeps telling me it will get easier. And I know it will. Things in Mommy-land change quickly. I'm sure by the time I'm done typing this, things will already be getting better. A couple days of drama is such a small thing in the grand scheme of things. But in the heat of the moment, I need to remember that. I need to remember that long period of time when we couldn't get pregnant and how BADLY my heart ached for this. I need to remember the time that he physically couldn't cry, because he had tubes down his throat. I need to remember when I couldn't hold him because he was hooked up to all sorts of machines. And I need to remember to just be grateful that he's home and he's healthy, regardless of how much he cries.

I need to remember to quit being such a baby myself. Sigh.

Visitors

2011-02-21T18:26:00.001-08:00

We had a really nice weekend. My mom and step-dad came from Southern Utah for a visit. It was the first time the little guy got to meet his Grandpa Ron and it was great. Lots of smiles and kisses going around.

I had a wedding to shoot on Saturday and it was my first time being away from the baby for that long. My mom and Sis-In-Law baby-sat as a team and from what I hear, he was a perfect angel (of course!) It was hard being away from him though. Before I left, I had to kiss him about 20 times and I missed him the most about halfway through the day. When I got home, it was back to the same old routine of feeding, pumping and changing diapers and I wondered why I was in such a rush to get home. But when he gave me his goofy little smiles and sweet little face, I quickly remembered.

On Sunday night, we got both sides of the family together for dinner at BJ's and that was a lot of fun. My Father-In-Law always has stories to tell and he wants to tell them to anyone who will listen, so he was happy to have a new set of ears and share his tales. Plus, there were Pizzookies. Can't complain there.

My family left this morning (after watching the baby again so I could make a quick trip to Target) and I was sad to see them go. The visits always go by so quickly. But I'm so grateful they made the effort to come all the way out here and are getting to know Stevie. Having good people in his life will only make him a better little person.